Why I love Christmas.

Actually, this blog has absolutely nothing to do with Christmas, but i'm glad I have caught your attention anyway. The subject in question is actually my trip to East Thurrock United, a small shithole in Essex just off the M2, on this past Tuesday night. Certainly not the most appealing of fixtures but as I am attempting to make every single DAFC fixture this season it just has to be done. And in fairness, it turned out to be a decent enough evening.

But by the time I met Leighton Champion and Simon 'Bale's Volley' Scott in the workies (working mens club to all you outsiders not down with the slang) I was'nt particularly in the mood for it. I necked a couple of jars of fosters to try to inject some enthusiasm into me but the beer tasted pissy, and my general mood was apathy at why I was spending a lot of time, money and effort into watching a bloody friendly in some small Essex shithole, when at my tender age I should be trying to do something more productive with my life. But as the Champster assured me, its what we live for innit, and we would'nt have it anyway.

Once Dover Dave collected us by the bus stop nearby, the state of the shitty-cramped out 1930's mini-bus did not do much to raise the spirits! Certainly not an ideal vechile for claustrophobics as it was very cramped and dirty, but at the end of the day it did a marvellous job in getting us to and from deepest, dirtiest, darkest essex for an efficient price.

We collected the other 11 non-league weirdos at Crabble, including a certain Davey 'Wibbly Wobbly' Bell and Christopher Collings, who were sporting the new away and home Dover shirts respectively. They certainly look a lot better closer up, I can assure you. Especially with a new snazzy recycling sponsor on the back, it looks fucking mint. Was hoping to buy one myself but I'm fairly low on funds at the moment. (The hotel cunts who double booked my room for Newquay have STILL not refunded me yet - bastards).

The journey consisted of typical topics of conversations such as wrestling, CM Punk, smashing back doors in and modern literature, amongst the usual piss-taking of Chris Collings and myself whilst Champ was whinging about some buck toothed fella i've never seen before in a Manyoonited shirt with terrible B.O. To be fair, he stank. Luckily Dave's immence driving skills meant it took only just over an hour to get into Essex, but the final 15 minutes of the journey I had to suffer with busting for a piss. East Thurrock's ground appeared to be miles away from bog-standard Thurrock, as I initially feared Dave had taken the wrong turning. But he had'nt, and the ground was in the middle of nowhere just off of the motorway.

Also on the fortunate side was the club bar being on the outside of the ground, meaning I could rapidly relieve my bladder. And a damn fine piss it was too, I don't think theres a better feeling really? Inside the bar it was dingy and drab but an efficient enough for a quick pint. Unfortunately I made an error in ordering a fosters, believing it would be the cheapeast drink available (cheapskateLAD). But for some reason they did'nt have a price strategy and Stella + all the other lagers on tap were also £3. Essex really is another world. The barmaid also looked typical of an Essex bird - a proper "suck your cock for a cheeseburger" type - utter filth that would probably be the type to deem anal sex as 'romantic'.

After the lovely refreshing pint we headed into the ground where to my delight I discovered it was only £5 admission fee for an adult. And even better still, the bird on the turnstile misheard me and allowed me in for a student price, £2, RESULT! Mind you, with the squalid shithole that it was, maybe I had been ripped off. Now I've been to many a terrible ground having followed Dover all over the ryman leagues, but this one probably makes my top 5 worst ground list. Playing here in a league game infront of 100 people would really have been soul destroying in the same way Godalming, Horsham YMCA et all were too. Here are a couple of pictures I took on my phone (Apologies for lack of quality, its only a 3.2 megapixel with poor zooming ability)

As you can see, the facilities are very basic, but I found the two tiny terraces behind each goal fairly amusing. It is a indictment of how low the ryman league grade grounding is, if this newly promoted side is allowed into the Premier with this.

As for the game itself, it was pretty much your typical run-of-the-mill friendly; fairly dull with its entertaining spots, an overall good workout with fitness and game practise levels increased. We won 2-1, courtesy of George Purcell and Donovan Simmond goals. Georgous Georges' was a beauty, midway through the first half he got played through on the left before racing through and unleashing an absolute belting shot beyond the helpless keeper. I literally flinched as I felt he was going to bust the net with it! Jason Donovan's goal just after the break was very similar to George's, instead racing down the right before tucking it into the corner with a well-placed shot. Their equaliser came courtesy of a well-struck volley outside the box, which Hook had little he could do about.

Overall a decentish performance from the whites against a side that should more than hold their own in the Ryman Premier next season. Lee Hook looked solid and confident between the posts,  Starkey is proving that Matt Fish should be no loss at all, Nathan Ashton looked brimming full of energy and impressed once again and Purcell looks like he should be full of goals. Hopefully we can convince Steve Watt to sign next after James Walker became our fourth striker and then the jigsaw should be almost complete. I'm feeling very confident about our chances next season, I just hope that Martin selects the right team each week.

I was pretty tired by the time I got back on the bus and was fairly beered out to as I'm pretty sure I slept for most of the way back to Dover. Not tired enough to prevent me from buying a 12inch mexicano pizza when I got back though, which by the way was fucking delicious. The only problem was, I realised that my bag containing my £150 Dover flag was nowhere to be seen. Had I left it in the pizzeria? I dashed off up the road but there was no sign of it in there, although the man working acted very suspiciously and I was convinced he had taken it. But thank fucking christ the following morning I discovered that I left it on the mini-bus, which left me feeling a mixture of relief and that "for fucks sake Callum why do you keep doing this?" feeling. Cheers Dover Dave for saving my assssssssss. If any regular DAFC fan would like to volunteer to keep hold of my beautiful flag to prevent any inevitable disaster, then that would be much appreciated.

Anyway, cheers for reading. Sorry that some of this is pretty rushed but it takes a lot longer than it seems!

Bullishness Rising: Dover 1-0 Stevenage

I did not envisage that I would be bothered to write any blogs after run-of-the-mill friendly games but after we dismantled League One Stevenage Borough last night I quickly changed my mind. (Before any of you narcissistic scrotums attempt to point out that Stevenage have dropped the 'Borough' from their name, then yes you have been whooshed).

I expected a very tough game from the 'nidge last night but I felt we more than out-matched them in most departments. At the moment it is great to be starting to taste the humble pie, as most of Martin Hayes' signings to date this pre-season look the business. Triallist Steven Watt, formally of Grimsby had an excellent game last night and as he just tweeted to me a few minutes, he is "interested in joining Dover but still have a few irons in the fire". Whatever the fuck that means, lets just hope he puts pen to paper for us. Corcoron appears to be the leader we have been crying out for and took his penalty emphatically. His face was a picture of psychotic delight after beating Alan Julian from the spot, who handled all the anti-Gillingscum banter directed at him very well. Matt Johnson, again, is a very imposing figure and gives us a lot of presence in midfielder. Purcell and Bricknell worked very hard together upfront and hopefully that combined work-rate will yield us lots of goals. Georgie seems to like running at defenders, similar to the departed Gillingham fella. The whole team worked very hard, looked very fit and from our second half substitutions it appears we have lots of quality in depth, meaning lots of competition for places in the side (something we severely lacked last season). Even some heavily criticized players like Hook (very solid last night), Baker and Cogan look like refreshed, rejuvinated players, with the hunger to succeed. And long may that continue.

Most of you who know me will know that I'm not exactly the post positive person in the world, but I'd have to be lying if i said I was'nt extremely excited for the new season! And given how suicidal I felt after the departures of Fish, Wallis, Birchall and Flitney, that is an achievement in itself. But we have a lot more quality in the side now than we did that finished the season, as I'm sure you'd all agree. Martin, you'll have a lot to fuck up this season with the calibre of these players!

Stevenage, for a near full-strength side of theirs were very dissapointing. I know pre-season friendly results are pretty irrelevent in the grand scheme of things but they looked a shadow of the side that ripped us a new one in the trophy a couple of seasons ago. If I were a fan of theirs, I would be worried about the following season. Well actually, with trips to Hillsborough, The Valley, Brammall Lane, Deepdale etc all ahead of them, I don't think they should really give a shit too much!
I know Stevenage are a very disliked club in the lower league circles, particular non-league, but I've never had a problem with them or a reason to. In fact, I think they are a good model to clubs like us, managing to establish themselves into the football league without spending too much whilst getting fairly low gates. Good luck to them I say, I wish them all the best. I have to admit I even found their notorious drinks break very amusing last night - If you don't know what  the fuck i'm going on about, then google it.


Right now, onto Adam Birchall again. As i'm sure you're all aware, Birchall got stretchered off yesterday in a friendly against Welling with a suspected broken leg, and is expected to be out for at least 6 months according to initial reports. Despite my bitterness over his move to the Medway Pikies, I would never have wished this upon him and feel very bad for him. Fingers crossed he has a speedy recovery. HOWEVER, there is that nasty, harsh cunt inside of me that is glad Hess and Scally have just spunked 70k on someone who will be on the sidelines for a long time. So, as a Gillingham hater and all roung not very a nice human being..... gutted Scally, you fucking four-eyed weasel wanker.

Finally, onto something a certain Steven King said to me last night (it is great to have him back on the terraces - even though he is a massive cunt, he is always amusing company). Anyway, he told me that "Blogs are for attention seeking wankers like yourself" (luckily for him he won't be reading this then). Whilst I would usually agree with him on this statement, I am not like most bloggers. I am not some wannabe journalist, and I certainly am not writing in a journalistic style. It is just here to entertain/amuse myself and any of my friends who want to read it. The purpose of this blog is not to write detailed match reports, but rather my experiences and thoughts regarding DAFC. For what its worth, Kevin Harris' match reports on the main website are always excellent and worth a read, so I would not attempt to emulate them. Anyway, I should be back on Wednesday to tell you about my bizarre midweek trip to East Thurrock (who?), unless something significant happens at Gravesindia and Webbedfeet United on Saturday. Take care for now chaps.

Reacting to Birchall's departure.

Most of the time us football supporters can be irrational, hypocritical and unreasonable. Take for example, my post on the Dover forum on Saturday night after I had learned we had accepted a significant bid from Swindon for Adam Birchall (please bare in mind I was fucking shit-faced by the time I got home and posted it);


You're simply one of the best to ever wear the DAFC shirt, certainly of my generation anyway. People talk about Leworthy and rightly so, as he is one of the best ever goalscorers and classiest players ever. However, you' have never cost us a massive fee and led us to our most glorious unforgettable moments ever in our cup run this year. Simply a classy player, and I'm sure each and everyone of us will never forget you.

In my young, maybe naive eyes you are simply the best ever to pull on the DAFC shirt, and I truely hope you will succeed at football league level and am genuinely sure you will. Delighted and gutted we have lost you at the same time but regardless hope you very much succeed at football league level.

Sorry for making this into a sub thread, but a player of Birchall's calibre deserves his own after all he has given us.

Love you and miss you already.

Come 12PM Tuesday, and after his departure to Gillingscum FC is confirmed, I am absolutely fucking livid and suddenly I hope he will become a failure at football league level. My glowing tribute to him, which was almost to the extent where I was sucking him off, had gone straight out of the window. I berated him for showing a lack of ambition by turning down Swindon, a bigger club than Gillingham managed by the legendary Paulo Di Canio, who are far more likely to challenge for promotion this season. He also had an offer from AFC Wimbledon, who are far closer to home, where he would be made the highest paid player in their clubs history. But no, he selects the easy option and goes to fucking Gillingscum, the club who have shat and trod over us for the past year, the club who he knows we all despise and kne we would find it extremely hard to stomach him going there. I'm equally as angry at our club for accepting their bid despite having accepted two 'significant' ones already, so we have further paved the way for them to bend us over and rape us again. They knew they had taken the piss with their first offer and not paying Fish any compensation so why let them have a choice on buying our prized asset?

Over the past couple of days I have come to accept that he his reasons for choosing Gillingham are completely logical and sensible. Living in Maidstone, he does'nt have to travel far for games or training whilst being able to provide for his baby that is on the way. He also knows Fish, Flitney and of course Hessenthaler so it will be easy for him to settle in the club. Also, having scored over 60 goals in just over 2 seasons for us, whilst providing us what should be our club record fee, aswell as almost single-handedly dragging us into 7th place and the 3rd round of the FA cup last season, I should be wishing him well in his future endeavours.

However, I simply cannot forgive him for going there, nor wish him well there. This may just be completely down to me being a completely irrational cunt, but I wish nothing but ill on the Gillingham football club. Beating them 2-0 at Priestfield last season was the greatest day in my life but now the memories have been tarnished for me personally. With Fish, Flitney and Birchall all departing for there, it indicates that the side that beat them secretly wanted to play for them. And even though I can see why with them being the bigger club,a football league club, that still hurts. A lot. That club are pure vile scum, as shown by their lack of remorse for ripping out club apart for a second consecutive Summer. I cannot look back at any of Birchall's goals now with happiness, instead just apathy.

 A devine moment, now soured for me.

These are my final words on the Birchall saga, as I never want to speak or hear his name again. Sorry Adam, but I hope you fail. If only you had gone to Wimbledon or Swindon you would have remained a hero.

Anyway, as my uncle John said, we havent WON anything with Birchall, but we have won 2 league titles in a row prior to his arrival. Onwards and upwards. Many sides that lose their one outstanding key player usually go onto have better seasons. Hopefully we can do the same, and replace one of our best (but not favourite) players ever efficiently.

A Brief Introduction

So this is a story all about how my life got flip turned upside down, And I'd like to take a minute so just sit right there and I'll tell you about how I became the prince of Crabble.

But yeah, Hello. You all know who I am (I think, anyway). I've decided that I am going to try and started blogging about Dover games for the upcoming season because it will be good for my memories all to be archived and look back on. As you know a couple of seasons ago I started writing a DAFC diary for about 10 games before getting lazy and giving up on it! Hopefully I can last a bit longer this time, as I always enjoy reading my own inane drivel. I hope you do too.

Anywayz, onto the forthcoming 2011-2012 season. I am now entering my 8th consecutive season as a season-ticket holder, which means I am only a couple of seasons away from reaching PWOPER Dover Athletic fan status. Not that being a non-league supporting looser is particularly something to be proud of, but at least I am building up some football heritage.

Despite my general Hayes-sceptism, which I'm sure many of you also share, I feel a lot more optimistic after watching our first proper pre-season game on Tuesday evening, a 2-0 victory over Hastings. Sure, Hastings are shite but I was very impressed by most our new signings, particularly Matt Johnson who looked class. Even Barry Cogan and Harry Baker had good games, linking up very well together with the former scoring an excellent goal.

Despite losing a number of key unnamed players to unnamed clubs, I think we have replaced them more than adaquetly, except the goalkeeping position which I have to admit I am worried about. Kitteridge looked very shaky on Tuesday night, so I think we could be seeing Lee Hook as the number one goalkeeper season. Not that I would complain about that if he can rediscover the form he showed having numerous successful seasons with Eastbourne Borough. Huke, Johnson and Corcoron all come to Crabble with excellent pedigrees and Phil Starkey should prove more than a capable replacement for Matt Fish.


Anyway, for what I said would be a brief intro I have driven on for too long. I hope I can keep this blog running and that you enjoy reading this crap for whatever reason. Ciao