I met my good friend Jared Wills for a couple of pre-match jars of lager. We necked a few pints of Carlsberg in the Dover weatherspoons before heading off to the Old Endeavour. En route we bumped into the delightful Sappo, who was on his way to work. He took us into corals where Dover were priced at evens to beat Maidenhead. I was so tempted to stick a tenner on us but I'm not really a gambler as I am too cautious so I backed off at very last second. It was a decision I would be left to rue.
After picking up some cans of Carlsberg from the offy for the journey, we made our way up to Crabble hill via a few beers at the Old E. This would be another decision I would be left to rue, as I was horrified to discover that our bus, which was only a 29 seater, did not have a toilet on board. This would lead to some very problamatic news for my bladder on the way there...
We almost filled out the whole bus as we prepared to leave 10 minutes earlier than our expected 5PM departure time for deepest, darkest Berkshire. Then Champ received a phone call from Malcolm, a Charlton fan who had made a last minute random decision to come to the game. Although this would hold us up for another 5 minutes, it was very welcome news as he would provide most of the entertainment for the evening. Malcolm is a few years younger than me; he's very cocky, quite annoying and irratting at times but overall a funny character and somebody I would describe as a 'loveable twat'.
Despite being a Charlton fan and being insinstant that he doesn't support Dover he finds himself going to several of our games over the course of the season, particularly away games, and he also joins in with many of our songs. I would be the biggest beneficiary of his appearence as most of the piss-taking that I often find myself on the end of would be deflected on to me. We spent a lot of the journey ripping the piss out of him for being a scrounger off of his parents and discussing what a shite, tinpot club Charlton are. Me and Kingy basically told him a few home truths about how Charlton have no real supporters, their fanbase is made up of people who want to watch football at a decent level for cheap prices, and how nobody is really passioniate about their club because none of their 'fans' come from that area, hence why their away support is so crap. Someone also amusingly claimed that Charlton are named that because of the small shopping centre in Dover.
We also made various crass comments about his desireable sister, how we would like to fuck her an so forth. This may sound like its coming accross as bullying but Malcolm is a good lad, he can take the banter and he dishes it out very well too.
The enjoyable journey up soon hit a sour note about an hour into the journey. I stupidly decided to take a risk and drink one of my cans of beer, which would soon lead into the most painful needing-a-piss bladder pains I have ever experienced. It was so bad that I was sitting in agony taking very large deep breaths, which the others were understandably ripping the piss out of me for. But luckily a rescue plan fell in place for me........ a 2 litre empty bottle of Orangina that Kingy's dad had finished with.
Being a nervous type with a small-cock and a perchant for stage fright, this would prove to be a very difficult task. It is a very difficult task trying to aim your japseye into such a small hole with very little space to do it, while trying to hold on tight enough to the bottle to not spill any of it . And just as I felt some piss finally trickling out, I turned round and discovered Champ filming it on his phone while everyone else watched me with a strangely bizarre anticipation. So that halted the plan and I'd have to wait about another 20 minutes to leak the majority of the rest out while everybody else was distracted. Jared had also managed to succesfully complete the task in the same bottle, which means that we have probably shared some penis germs. Being as desperate as I was though, I couldn't give a fuck.
After a decent, clear run on the motorway we arrived in Maidenhead at about 19:20 for my fourth visit to York Road, the oldest continuously-used-football-ground-by-one-single-team in the world, according to Wikipedia. Its a bit run down and smelly, but its full of character and one of my favourite in the league.
After mugging the turnstile operator off to get into the ground as an Under 16 for £2, naturally me and Jared headed to the bar, where we were greeted by ginger Johnathan Pring, who had got the train from his London home. Maidenhead's bar is small, cramped and dirty but a proper club bar with memorabilia bound to all walls. Centre Spot - take note.
A lovely stunning blonde number behind the bar with a smashing pair of tits served me for an overpriced Fosters in a shitty plastic glass. But these plastic glasses would prove to be a god-send, with Maidenhead being one of them tinpot under-stewarded grounds we were able to drink on the terraces, which meant that my cans of beer that were under-utiziled on the coach would now have a use, being the annoying little lager lout and general embarrassment to other Dover fans that I am.
As we eagerly waited for the teams to come out and find out which end we'd be shooting at, Simon Harris informed me that David Leworthy would be coming to Crabble for the Woking game next weekend. Quite fitting that he would be back for the team that he used to always give nightmares, and its a pleasure that i've played some sort of role in enticing him back to his natural home. So I hope everyone gives him the warm welcome that he deserves next weekend. LEWORTHY MY LORD, LEWORTHY.
Once our players came out they won the toss, so they decided to switch ends which meant we wouldn't have to move far from where we were and it meant I would miss less of the game setting up my flags. When we were setting up our flags, Tom spotted Dave Beasant in his Fulham tracksuit. Why was he here? Turns out that his son Sam was playing in goal against us. Once this became known knowledge, he would find himself on the end of some hilarious abuse, which he struggled against the entire game.
In team news, Leon Redwood got dropped to the bench in favour of Glen Southam, which allowed Purcell to move forward on the left side of a 4-3-3. This would not last long, however, as Purcell came off around in 15 minutes into the game in place of Harry Baker. From over-hearing his conversation with Reg at half-time, it appears he was ill and apparently was sick.
But this shift would work particularly well for us as Harry had a good game for us down the right, with his crossing delivery being better than usual.
The amount of chances in the first half were very few and far between. Manny Williams gave us a scare when he hit the side netting but the best we could muster up was a free kick on the edge of the box, which Cogan blasted over. We dominated most the possession in midfield but struggled to create any real openings, until moments before half-time when he suddenly broke the deadlock.
Argentinian Agustin Battiepedia found himself in space and unleashed a superb a 25 yard strike which came bouncing back from the under-side of the cross bar. The immence Donovan Simmonds was on hand to cooly stroke in the rebound much to the delight of us away fan.
What amused me about this was Adam Southey moaning at us for not shooting whenever we passed a ball and moaned whenever we passed the ball and not shot. Young Adam needs to learn to be a little bit more patient!.
I'm going to give Chris Collings a little bit of credit for once for his quirp to Beasant after the goal; "Did you not want to save that then keeper?"
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| Another well-taken Simmonds goal |
So rather joyfully, we went into the interval a goal to the good. And what with having some cans of carlsberg with me, I needn't of gone to the bar which gave me plenty of time to set my flags up at the other end and be fully prepared for the re-start. It also gave us an opportunity to take the piss out of young Sam Beasant in goal. He didn't take kindly to some of the comments like "How does it feel knowing that you'll never be as good as your dad?" and promptly flicked the V-Signs at us. We'd end up having the last laugh though.
The second half didn't start out particularly well for us. The magpies came out seemingly more motivated and with more intent to attack. Ruiz would have to make a string of impressive saves as we struggled to combat them, before we eventually shipped in an equaliser. Schulz and Harris got left exposed and struggled to deal with the pace of Williams who eventually squared the ball to another one of their players. Their shot took a huge deflection off Schulz but the ball found its way into the back of the net. Cue sadness and a little bit of rage at Maidenhead fans for having the gall to sing "Your not singing anymore" at us. Beasant further enraged us to by clenching his fists and smiling at us.
But it would be us that would be returning the song at them about 10 minutes later. With Maidenhead still attacking after their equaliser, we managed to hit them on the break. Jason Walker's ran down the left and cut inside the box, where their player stupidly brought him down for a cast-iron penalty. Well I say cast-iron penalty but the area white painting was awfully marked out so I thought it was outside the box!
Sam Beasant further made himself a villain by flicking mud with his boots on the penalty spot, trying to make it more uneven for Walker to striker the ball. Luckily James sent him the wrong way, cue much relief and joy, particularly for me who vocally made it clear that I thought we would miss the penalty. I genuinely had a bad feeling about it rather than trying to stoke reverse psychology in my mind, so I was delighted to see the ball hit the back of the onion bag.
This goal brought us Dover fans back into life and our very small travelling contingent made a lot of noise. I'd say there were about 75-100 Dover fans in attendance, quite small but understandable for a winter Tuesday evening. I like being in small contigents at times because it makes you in a select few who could say you were there.
Anyway, we really turned on the heat with Beasant with some humerous songs. "Your dad is ashamed of you" and "You've let your father down" were just a few of many.
Personal? Yes. Harsh? Yes. But if you want to make it at a decent level you've got to be able to handle a bit of stick and concentrate in a hostile environment otherwise you're fucked. Getting torn to shreds by a few non-league fans suggests that he isn't able to cope.
Instead, we'd be laughing even harder just a few minutes later. After some superb passing play in midfield, subsitute Luke I'anson (remember him?) played a ball down the right, which was seemingly going out of play. But Simmonds valiantly chased the ball down and managed to slide it back into the box, where James Walker was on hand to tap the ball in even with a Maidenhead defender fouling him from behind. It was a moment of pure delirium as we realised we'd be heading back to Kent with 3 points, while we laughed at Beasant for watching the ball go past him as he expected the ball to go out of play.
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| Delirium behind the goal as Walker grabs Dover's third. |
From here onwards the noise volume behind our goal would increase as we slowly watched the game peter out. The referee, who had a very decent game in my opinion, seemed to play about 8 minutes of stoppage time. There were a few incidents, a couple of minor scuffles where the Maidenhead players would try and get our players sent off but he refused to give in. But there seemed nothing to warrant that amount of injury time. So we wandered around to the side while the game was going on, needing to prepare to leave with it being an evening game. And as we were walking round, late substitute Leon Redwood found himself in space down the left. He comically slipped as he crossed the ball but thankfully Harry Baker was on the end of it to lash the ball into the back of the net.
This goal caused me laughter more than anything, and put the cherry on the top of the icing of the cake. The referee blew his whistle immedietly so we clapped, cheered and saluted our heroes as we were eager to leave.
The coach back was even more enjoyable as the one up there, except this time I didn't have the burden of needing a piss. There was lots of banter flying around, most of it about Malcolm although he made a particularly good retort to me. "You're like Will and Charlotte Hinchcliffe off the inbetweeners. You're an ugly virgin like Will but you've got massive tits like Charlotte". Made I laugh anyway, as it did with most of the others on the coach.
We spent a lot of the journey singing Dover songs, or trying to create Dover songs by changing the lyrics of shit pop songs. We didn't manage to come up with anything spectacular unfortunately, but one day something will come off.
The journey flew by, a lot quicker than the first one. With everyone being in a happy mood we smiled our way all the way back into Dover. I spent most of the journey a bit nervous and worried that I wouldn't make it back in time to order a pizza, which usually closes at midnight. We arrived back at the station around 11:50PM which meant me and Jared had to rush off, only to dissapointingly discover the pizzeria was closed. The kebab shop next door however, was open and sold pizzas. My feeling of delight would be short-lived though as I devoured what I consider to be one of the worst pizza's i've ever had. So never again.
A couple of games of FIFA 12 on my xbox with Alex Wilshaw and Jared Wills concluded what was a very enjoyable away game and a fine evening overall.
Lets hope Saturday's trip to Boring Wood can provide an equal amount of excitement. We're bypassing Boreham Wood to instead drink in St.Albans, a fine drinking city, where there is plenty of REAL ALE HEAVEN DUDE. After the game I am heading back to Nottingham with Fish and Russell to his university for a couple of nights, which should provide lots of fun and a few decent stories to tell, fingers crossed.
With Boreham Wood being in fine form (Five home wins on the bounce) this should be an entertaining yet difficult game. Its a shame that their ground is an un-atmospheric souless shithole devoid of any home support, but to be honest I'm just looking forward to the first Saturday away game in ages. Bring it on!
| Tuesday 08 Nov 2011 | |||||
|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| Maidenhead Utd | 1 | - | 4 | Dover | |
 Holgate (65) |
Simmonds (46) Walker (74) Walker (78) Baker (91) |
 359 |
|||
| Monday 07 Nov 2011 | |||||
| Chelmsford | 0 | - | 0 | Dorchester | |
| 813 | |||||
| Pos | Team | P | W | D | L | F | A | GD | Pts | |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1 |  |
Woking | 16 | 12 | 3 | 1 | 39 | 13 | 26 | 39 |
| 2 |  |
Sutton United | 15 | 10 | 3 | 2 | 33 | 15 | 18 | 33 |
| 3 | |
Welling United | 16 | 10 | 3 | 3 | 36 | 22 | 14 | 33 |
| 4 | |
Dartford | 15 | 10 | 2 | 3 | 32 | 17 | 15 | 32 |
| 5 | |
Dover | 16 | 7 | 7 | 2 | 24 | 11 | 13 | 28 |
| 6 | |
Chelmsford | 16 | 7 | 7 | 2 | 27 | 15 | 12 | 28 |
| 7 | |
Basingstoke Town | 15 | 7 | 5 | 3 | 29 | 20 | 9 | 26 |
| 8 | |
Boreham Wood | 16 | 7 | 3 | 6 | 18 | 21 | -3 | 24 |
| 9 | |
Truro City | 16 | 7 | 1 | 8 | 28 | 31 | -3 | 22 |
| 10 | |
Dorchester | 18 | 7 | 1 | 10 | 24 | 30 | -6 | 22 |
| 11 | |
Tonbridge Angels | 16 | 6 | 3 | 7 | 30 | 33 | -3 | 21 |
| 12 | |
Eastbourne Borough | 15 | 6 | 2 | 7 | 29 | 27 | 2 | 20 |
| 13 | |
Weston-S-Mare | 15 | 6 | 2 | 7 | 26 | 27 | -1 | 20 |
| 14 | |
Eastleigh | 16 | 6 | 2 | 8 | 19 | 27 | -8 | 20 |
| 15 | |
Salisbury City | 15 | 5 | 4 | 6 | 20 | 22 | -2 | 19 |
| 16 | |
Havant and Waterlooville | 16 | 5 | 3 | 8 | 30 | 30 | 0 | 18 |
| 17 | |
Bromley | 15 | 5 | 3 | 7 | 24 | 28 | -4 | 18 |
| 18 | |
Maidenhead United | 17 | 5 | 3 | 9 | 22 | 37 | -15 | 18 |
| 19 | |
Farnborough | 16 | 3 | 4 | 9 | 19 | 39 | -20 | 13 |
| 20 | |
Staines Town | 15 | 2 | 4 | 9 | 15 | 23 | -8 | 10 |
| 21 | |
Hampton & Richmond | 15 | 2 | 4 | 9 | 19 | 29 | -10 | 10 |
| 22 | |
Thurrock | 16 | 2 | 3 | 11 | 14 | 40 | -26 | 9 |
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