Now Dover Athletic have finally ended their eagerly anticipated return to the nation's top flight of non-league football after an excruciating 12 year exile, I can analyse some of these huge fallen, failed, badly-run ex-league clubs who we will find ourselves getting belittled by in the months to come by. Nothing wrong with that of course. Could you imagine being in this situation if you were a Bristol Rovers fan? For us it's like "wow, we get to play Bristol Rovers next season". For fans of the Gas it will be "fucking hell, Dover??? what on earth has it come to?". Last time I saw Bristol Rovers play it was at Wembley with 40,000 in their end singing Goodnight Irene as a fresh-faced Rickie Lambert set them on their way to promotion. In that very same season that I saw them defeat Shrewsbury in the League 2 play-off final, Dover were getting turned over at home by teams like Molesey and Walton Casuals. Now we will host them in our penultimate league fixture.
That's the reality of the conference premier though - there can't be many other leagues in the world where there is such a varying level size of clubs competing in the same division. It's a complete clusterfuck. Here you have several part-time clubs that regularly only attract triple figure attendances competing against ex league sides who get several thousands, who struggle to escape the non-league trap-hole as they struggle to adjust, while tinpot, bankrolled village teams like Fleetwood steam ahead and surpass them, leaving them to become further entrenched in their own bitterness.
And it's great to finally be a part of the world's worst run professional league rather than being an interested observer from the outside. So the Vanaramamamamama (what other league would announce a sponsor nobody has heard of less than a fortnight before the season starts?) Premier will have now to suffer my yearly preview blog post, which in continuous fashion will contain the standard monotonous ill-informed guff, wildly inaccurate predictions and cliches that are so insufferable that they would even make Andy Townsend wince.
DOVER ATHLETIC
While we continue to scratch our heads and wonder just how the fuck we did it, it would probably we wise to treat the upcoming season with a bit more earnestness rather than just as a year-long holiday piss up across the country. Because for as unexpected as last season's play-off final triumph was, we are a club who can realistically try and compete and survive in this division. Of course, it will be far from easy, but clubs of similar or even lesser stature than us have shown you can do it without pissing money away.
True, last season's appalling average crowd of 665, our lowest since the 1980's, would confirm us to be expected as one of the league's whipping boys. But that should go up by at least 50% now that we'll actually have some proper away followings at Crabble, plus the apathy of existing fans has been shed (at least for now) as last season's dreadful home performances have become a distant memory.
They shouldn't be forgotten though. They should be reminded to highlight just how much we need to improve to compete in this division. You might be able to get promoted from the conference south by only winning a third of your home games, but you'll bloody well struggle on that tally alone in this division above - just as an example, Dartford finished 3rd bottom last season with more wins than us (albeit from games).
Because let's face it and be realistic, we're not going to go out to many clubs in this division and beat them on their own patch like we did last season. The cornerstone of our success was based on strong or emphatic victories at places like Eastbourne, Chelmsford, Ebbsfleet, Bromley, Havant and Dorchester. With ALL disrespect intended to those clubs, it's a completely different kettle of fish pulling off those kinds of results at full-time clubs like Torquay and Wrexham with a wealth of league experience in their ranks. Of course I fully expect us to pull off the odd jammy, backs-against-the-wall, 1-0 scrappiest win from a set piece which deflects in off of Orlu's derriere - in our only attack of the game. For example, I'm looking forward to this at Grimsby next weekend which will lead to their manager's early dismissal.
But wins away will be far more infrequent occurrence at this level so we're going to have to finally lay the ghost at Crabble to rest which has been haunting us for so long - last season being the 4th consecutive season we attained more points on the road - and yet again by some distance. And I think we will actually improve this at a higher level. With more away teams willing to attack and show more ambition at Crabble than the tinpot shite we usually play who park the bus here when overawed by our amazing stadium, our counter-attacking play will hopefully be allowed to flourish. Because that is when we are at our best. Sitting tight, defending well and then hitting teams on the break. We did this to devastating effect in the play-off semi final at Sutton,and that was just one of many examples of last season. Modeste & Ademola were superb wingers at that level, and despite the latter being a loss after leaving for Bromley, we have replaced him more than adequately in acquiring Christian Nanetti from Havant and should be able to cope in his absence.
It's when we play more limited teams that we seem to struggle. On how many occasions last season did we play teams ranging from poor to bang average at Crabble and fail to ever look like breaking them down. A return of 22 goals from 21 home league games was pitiful. 2nd fewest in the division after rock bottom Dorchester. It's mainly when we have time in possession where we struggle. Just look at the penultimate game against Whitehawk where desperately needing the win and chasing the game, we just pumped aimless hoofs into the area and hoped it would pay dividends. We did eventually salvage an equalizer from a corner but that wasn't the case of deservedly reaping the reward of a dominant spell of pressure. Our players panic on the ball too much at times. Our only decent carrier and passer of the ball was Barry Cogan. But we too often lacked creativity and imagination when given the time and space.
So, has the squad been strengthened significantly enough in the summer to compete at this level, baring in mind we have just been promoted on the fewest amount of points in conference south history (69)?
It's difficult for me to say, as once again we have gone down the Chris Kinnear route of signing a bunch of players who have played on trial. I have only witnessed 2 of our 9 pre-season games - a fruitful campaign in which has seen us remain undefeated - albeit only playing 2 higher division teams in semi-strengthened Gillingham and Colchester United sides. But for me pre season is pointless to judge players on. How often down the years have you seen players come in and look like mustard because they've scored a penalty against a triallist-ridden Stevenage side, only for them to turn out to be fucking Ali Dia style garbage when the real stuff begins? Yes Michael Corcoron, I'm looking at you.
For me, none of the signings are crying out as outright awful that I can whinge incessantly about. Matt Lock, a tall, composed midfielder arrives from Chelmsford City with generally positive reviews, mainly indicating that he excels at maintaining possession, a trait that we lacked. Pre-season performances have supposedly backed up this appraisal.
Nicky Deverdics, a nifty, neat and creative midfielder, formerly making 50 football league appearances with Barnet, arrives after playing abroad in Finland and most recently with Tadcaster Albion, to hopefully give us some much needed guile.
Stefan Payne bolsters our attacking options having scored 30 goals with ryman premier side Hornchurch, though question marks remain over his ability to perform at a higher level. He's also joined by Jake Reid, a muscular striker previously of Bromley, Newport and Salisbury to name a few.
Defensively wise to our already-stern backline we have added Sean Francis to our ranks - a popular figure from Bishop's Stortford. While Tyrone Sterling also returns to the club after a season mopping up the mistakes of Kenny Clark at Dartford. He was superb when he played for us in the latter half of the 2012/13 campaign.
And as I have previously mentioned in this piece - Christian Nanetti is regarded as our most exciting arrival. Tiny in stature, but hugely impressive in his footwork, and allegedly, his theatrical tumbles, he should become one of our main impact players.
There are of course potential inbound players before the season starts - particularly as the lazy Jeff Goulding has thankfully been transfer listed and will hopefully soon be out the door - but for me that crop of arrivals doesn't cry out as proven conference premier quality that we need. Don't get me wrong - they have improved the squad particularly when compared with some of the deadwood we have shifted out. But whether they have enough to help us bridge the huge gulf in class remains to be seen.
I am particularly unconvinced by our striking options. Nathan Elder rightly earned cult status after sticking the ball in the Ebbsfleet net, but I particularly recall last season being a hotbed of wastefulness from inside the box. He's a strong leader of the line, a player that I like and admire for his attitude but let's face it, he's not a great goalscorer.
Stefan Payne has yet to do it in a level above conference south. Clearly a talented player but he has previously shown attitude and discipline problems at other clubs. It's welcoming that he has joined us on the back of prolific goalscoring form but as we well know there's a massive difference with doing it at ryman league level and two levels above.
As for Jake Reid, he's the one signing I am completely unconvinced by. His goalscoring record at this level previously is woeful. He has arrived with anything but glowing reviews. From the little I've seen of him I can't see what else he can offer that Nathan Elder can't.
However, teams can cope without an out-an-out goalscorer these days. We did last season. With Cogan, Nanetti, Modeste and possibly Deverdics and even Bellamy - we have players who are capable of chipping in 5-10 goals a season from midfield. Raggett and Orlu aren't adverse to getting the odd goal from their cannister either. Even Murphy, the greedy, incredibly inconsistent winger who I don't rate, will pop up with the wondergoal every 6 games if you can persist with his other awful traits.
There are players of ours from last season though who struggled to perform regularly at that level and will more than likely be found out quickly at this level. I'm still surprised that Liam Bellamy was offered a new contract. He shows glimpses of being a promising box-to-box midfielder and even chipped in with some key goals last season, but then he'll follow it up with games where he can't even pass water. I'm perhaps a tad harsh on him - but I feel we can't afford to be sentimental towards players who MIGHT improve or MIGHT achieve consistency. We can't be as experimental with players as you can be in the conference south - it could cost us survival.
And there will of course be players in our ranks who excelled last season and ones we regard as our better players who we will realise weren't quite as good as we thought they were. It happens with players in any promoted side. Players get found out and won't quite make the step up. It happened in our last jump from Ryman League to Conference South - players like Dean Hill, Olly Schulz and Lee Browning - instrumental in our success up the leagues - soon saw themselves sinking back down to lower levels.
I have a good idea in mind of players who I expect may flounder, and also a few who will excel, or even improve, at a level above.
We do have good players in our squad. Our defensive backline I am pretty confident in. Mitch Walker is an excellent young goalkeeper. Tom Wynter has been Mr Consistency for 4 and a half seasons now. Raggett is a fine prospect. Orlu, a confidence player, has excelled after a difficult start to his DAFC career, and I believe he can continue to if he doesn't dwell on any early mistakes he may make. Craig Stone is another very reliable performer and provides great energy bombing down the right hand side. They are well anchored by the tireless efforts of Chris Kinnear Jnr in front of them.
They have forged a strong solid unit and that will be important to have that continuity going into a new season.
BUT. BUT. It goes without saying - there's a fundamental difference between shutting out a Gosport Rangers forward and a Grimsby Town frontline. Will Richard 'The Janitor' Orlu continue to sweep up against the experienced top non-league strikers? Craig Stone was relegated from this level 2 seasons ago. Has Walker eradicated the errors from his game? Will CKJnr's tenacity alone be enough to shine through?
They might be difficult questions to ask but we will soon find out all the answers. But we can't kid ourselves. The jump is class is likely to be massive, and we have to be ready. It's positive that we have increased our amount of training sessions and are working tirelessly on improving fitness side of things in time for the new season. But realistically, I think that on the strength of the squad, the additions, and mitigating last season as a factor, I think that any position finishing outside the bottom 4 next season will be punching above our weight.
What we can take comfort from is the squad's spirit, togetherness and will-to-win in the games that truly mattered last season. They are a good set of lads who if we couldn't depend on them for their consistency in quality, we could always count on their fight. Momentum will be key. Since the Conference South's inception in 2004, only one side has been promoted from it and finished in the bottom 4 the following season - and that was a crisis stricken Lewes side. Even the 2009/10 promoted Bath City side - which I thought was very modest - finished 10th in their ensuing first season. Dartford finished 7th two seasons ago.
So momentum counts for a lot. It's usually the second season syndrome (cliche, I know) when teams come unstuck. Those 2 teams indeed did finish in the bottom 4 after those successful campaigns mentioned.
But we can't rest on our laurels - history of other teams' records counts for nothing. We will survive or not on our own accord. And we should relish the challenge ahead. Welcome every hard-earned point. Savour the wins which do come. For me, a clawed draw at Kidderminster will be worth more than three wins at Basingstoke are, so let's get behind the boys vocally enough at every game to try and ensure that we'll continue to to have more chances for the former across the foreseeable future.
Key Player - Barry Cogan
This is not good news for our talismanic trequartista; after all - my previous three selected key players have departed the club at the end of the respective seasons. But Barry isn't a flamboyant weasel like George Purcell, he isn't an overweight beefcake like Calum Willock and he may not possess the trickery that Moses Ademola had. However, he is a consistent performer, a reliable penalty taker under all forms of pressure and should flourish in a league where retaining the ball is more of a necessity than an advantage.
Verdict - 19th
I think we'll do it. I actually do. Despite not being a fan of his management, Chris Kinnear somehow, flukily or not, manages to find a way. It will be fucking revolting to watch, downright verminous at times, but I think we'll pull enough results out of the bag to make it happen. Like last season - against all odds.
AFC Telford United
The Bucks eventually edged out a five-horse race in the Conference North last season, overcoming nearest challengers North Ferriby United to secure an immediete return to the Premier division, following quite an abysmal season in the 2012-13 campaign, which saw them set a new record for the most consecutive games without winning a game (30).
The turning point in their fortunes is mainly credited to the appointment of Liam Watson, who oversaw much upheaval in the summer. Previously the brains behind Southport's promotion to the conference and then stabilizing them there, you can be sure he'll be a safe bet to achieve a similar aim with Telford, a club with a big fanbase for a traditional non-league club.
He supposedly deploys a very direct brand of football which while not pretty, is very effective, and boasts a squad of talented players. Mike Grogan netted a hugely impressive 15 goals from midfield last season which was eclipsed by the 17 that ex AFC Flyde striker Adam Ferrell banged in. Peter Crouch's brother-in-law Sean Clancy is also a driving force from midfield who is also more than capable of chipping in.
Their signings all boast experience playing at national level. Jonathan Hedge, formerly of Tamworth, Cambridge and latterly, Grimsby, replaces the departed Andy Young in between the sticks. Sam Smith of Hereford, Rushden and Cambridge fame 'improves' their attacking options, though I see gets derided regularly despite picking up decent gigs.
But Godfrey Poku is probably the best of the lot, having been a key member of Watson's Southport side that finished 7th three seasons ago. The ex Luton midfielder should add combative steel to a side that shipped in 53 goals despite being crowned champions.
Key Player - Steve Akrigg
The ex-Southport defender is yet another one of Watson's ex-Southport connections and he has been named as their new captain after signing. Having not featured under John Coleman at his previous club after a sending off in February, he will need to shed the rustiness to lead a leaky defence.
Verdict - 15th
They should be fine and have enough to survive comfortably. Watson is an experienced manager who knows how to get his side results and has many of his old boys in place to do it.
Aldershot Town
After a turbulent couple of years which saw The Shots flirt with liquidation (again), they club have now finally exited administration and paid off their CVA. Coupled with escaping relegation last season after their 10 point deduction, the Hampshire club can now look to move forward and try to push up the pyramid.
How many strides they hope or expect to make this season remains to be seen. Manager Andy Scott has been far from convincing in the hotseat since inheriting taking the reigns in February 2013, but there have been indications of promising signings so far this summer.
Firstly, ex Portsmouth, Swindon Town and Dover Athletic goalkeeper Phillip Smith will be their new number one & should prove to be a reliable seat of hands at this level. In front of him will play Sam Hatton, the former AFC Wimbledon right-back who has previously won promotion from this level. Salisbury City pair Dan Flitchett and Glenn Wilson have been plucked following the Wiltshire perennial piss-taking club's demise (good riddance). And they are also accompanied by ex Torquay midfielder Damon Lathorpe, who boasts plenty of football league experience as well as the lesser known Naby Diablo from Weston-Super-Mare
Most importantly though they will have been delighted to retain the services of Brett Williams, the prolific striker's goals were fundamental towards their survival last season.
Key Player - Mark Molesley
A vital cog in the side, the experienced midfielder weighed in with 7 goals from midfield last season.
Verdict - 14th
It's a very difficult one to call with the Shots. There are a number of decent signings on paper there that should be making an impact into the top half, though the squad is seemingly very thin at the moment. I wouldn't be surprised if Scott is one of the early managerial casualties and that they improve from there onwards.
Alfreton Town
The Derbyshire side were one of last season's main surprise packages, spending a large season propping up in third place before the inevitable blow out of steam that occurs to smaller sides - they eventually finished in eleventh which was partially due to being docked 3 points for fielding an illegible player.
If you look at the high figures in both their goals scored and goals conceded columns, plus the lack of draws (3! all season) it would suggest that they are a bit of a gung-ho, YOLO side that goes all out for it.
That may have paid dividends last season but it'll be harder work now they have now lost the services of "Big Pappa" John Akinde, who plundered in 18 league goals for them last term. They'll have to be more prudent this time around.
Nicky Law is a talented manager though and he has made many solid new acquisitions of his own. Hereford captain Luke Graham is one of them, hoping for a more secure financial footing. Lincoln pair Dan Gray and Jake Sheridan along with Tamworth defender Duane Courtney provide more conference premier division experience.
Mansfield duo Anthony Howell and Lee Stevenson however are the main two key signings - Howell has previously had success at the club while the latter was the driving force in Mansfield's promotion from this level two seasons ago.
Key Player - Bradley Wood
Named as last season's Supporters' Player Of The Season, the ex Grimsby right-back was a consistent ever-present.
Verdict - 23rd.
To be honest, Alfreton have never looked in serious danger of slipping out the league since promotion in 2010/11 and should always feel secure under Law's stewardship. However, I just feel that their one of those clubs who are in for a financial implosion at some point soon. There were murmurings last season about a potential demise. How do they keep sustaining football at this level on crowds of 500? With the money some of their players like Akinde were rumoured to be on, I can see them being NEXT.
Altrincham
After a 3 year stint in regional football, GM Vauxhall Conference stalwarts returned to their natural level following a dramatic play-off final win at Moss Lane - a 119th minute winner from substitute Greg Wilkinson's first touch as a substitute secured the Cheshire club's return to the top tier of non-league.
Now the question mark lingers if they can sustain a place at this level again. One thing is for certain, ex Port-Vale manager Lee Sinnott has forged a vibrant, attacking side there.
The forefront of their success is scoring goals - lots of goals - with the hugely prolific Damian Reeves being an ever present source of them. The striker has scored over 80 league goals in his last two seasons alone. It's quite astonishing that he hasn't played at a higher level yet and he still remains as committed as ever to the Robins.
And he has been joined by a league standard striker in Steven Gillespie - the ex Cheltenham and Colchester man should prove a more mobile foil than the carthorse journeyman Kyle Perry.
They do have a strong basis across the side though. Stuart Coburn is one of non-league most renowned and reliable goalkeepers. They have several younger players like captain Shaun Densmore, Simon Richman, Jake Moult and Scott Leather, whom have all grown a strong understanding over several seasons now.
The impression I get from their fan I speak to though is that they can be a bit powderpuff against teams who play a more aggressive, direct style. The arrival of ex Rochdale, Accrington and Fleetwood shithouse Peter Cavanagh, who has won promotion with each of those clubs, should give them some much needed metal to compliment to the attacking flair of the side.
Key Player - Damian Reeves
Boring, obvious choice, I know. But goals win games. If he can score even half as prolifically as he did at Conference North level then he will be a massive asset.
Verdict - 16th
I think the tips for them to immediately exit the division are a bit lazy. There's more than enough in their side to suggest they can hold their own.
Barnet
Now with one of the biggest cocks in football, Martin 'Timid Cat' Allen back in the
Of last season's 8th placed finishing squad, top goalscorer Jake Hyde has signed for ex non-league stalwarts York City. Key midfielder Mark Byrne has also departed the club for Newport County.
They have been replaced with some quality experienced players, however. Lee Cook being the most notable - the ex QPR, Brentford and Leyton Orient winger should still have a lot to offer at this level. Charlie McDonald will bridge the absence of Hyde's goals - the experienced marksman has always scored goals in non-leagues upper echleon, even if he is 33 now. John Akinde also arrives to help solve their inability to score many goals - the beefy striker netted 18 with Alfreton last season.
Sam Togwell is another midfielder who arrives with a wealth of football league experience along with Bonzo N'gala, the brilliantly-named defender made 31 appearances with Portsmouth last term.
Barnet's main strength point last season - only 5 of the top 6 conceded fewer than them in the whole division. With experienced Graham Stack protecting the goal behind a well-organised defence, expect this to be their main foundation of success in 2014/15. Allen built his Gillingham title winning team of 2 seasons ago with the first principle of not conceding.
Key Player - David Stephens
6ft 4in defender was an ever-present last term and the ex Norwich City prospect has previously featured for Wales at under 21 level. Still only 22.
Verdict - 2nd
I think that providing Allen doesn't commit his usual act of upping sticks and fucking off the next time a better job offer comes along, the strange bloke will have them geared up towards a title tilt.
Braintree Town
Alan Devonshire, another hoof-merchant from Hampton & Richmond, took over the reigns after Rod Stringer resigned following that promotion. Supposedly though the style of football they play these days isn't as disgusting as it once was, though the foundations of their success stem from a well-drilled defence - only promoted pair Cambridge and Luton conceded fewer goals than them last season.
They have retained a settled squad with the only real losses being Dan Wells, who has been snapped up by Stevenage for £25k and top goalscorer Dan Bulman, who has joined Colchester. The latter has been well replaced though with strikers Charlie Stutton (AFC Wimbledon) and Dan Walker (Hereford) helping to bridge that loss. Defenders Remy Clerima (Brackley) and Mitch Brundle (Bristol City) also help improve the squad.
However, most worryingly them is that Carl Pentney, the clown who leaked goals galore in for Chelmsford last season, will now be their back-up to number 1 Nathan Macdonald.
Key Player - Sean Marks
The striker was a class act when we last faced them at Crabble, and seems to have adhered his strengths in the tier above.
Verdict - 13th
I can't quite seem them replicating the heady heights of last season but another mid-table finish will be another huge achievement in itself. Devonshire has already announced that his number one priority is survival this term.
Bristol Rovers
Oxford's and Luton's respective 4 and 5 season exiles into non-league wasteland should hint as a warning of things to come and that they should be expecting a huge culture shock. They need to approach the following season in the correct way if they wish to make this indignation a brief one.
So far though they seem to be relatively well equipped for non-league status by not approaching the usual BBB mantra of getting big name managers and players in who have no idea of the level. They have kept patience in Darrell Clarke, who having inherited the reigns last season oversaw the relegation. However, he has a track record in non-league and particularly the West Country - when he lead his Salisbury City side 15 months ago to promotion.
He has recruited a few of his former proteges from the now-defunct club. Jamie White, who was instrumental in that play-off final defeat of Dover, joins on the back of an injury plagued season. But he is a fine player who will score plenty of goals if fully fit. And he will be supplied by his teammate Stuart Sinclair, who was a key figure in their top half finish last season.
Amongst their many other summer additions include experienced midfield pair Andy Monkhouse (Hartlepool) and Lee Mansell (Torquay), defender Neal Trotman (Plymouth Argyle), young winger Jake Gosling (Exeter City and Gilbratar international), full-back Daniel Leadbitter (Hereford United) and forward Matty Taylor (Forest Green Rovers).
So there appears to be a reasonable blend of experience and non-league pedigree amongst that crop of signings, to add to a squad who in all fairness were far from one of the worst sides to get relegated to this level. The 50 points they accumulated last season was a high total to get the drop and they actually conceded the joint 2nd fewest amount of goals in the bottom half of the table.
Of their summer exodus, only goalscoring midfielder John-Joe O'Toole will be considered anything of a loss to their fans. The best young talents like Ollie Clarke, Ellis Harrison and Tom Lockyer, have all been retained and should flourish more at a lower level.
Key Player - Tom Parkes
The central defender and club captain will need to put the nightmare of last season behind and offer the leadership required to get out of this non-league shithole.
Verdict - 3rd
I actually think the Pirates will actually do fine this season, I can actually see them adapting better than some of the ex league clubs have. The league title may be beyond them, with so many new players requiring time to adjust and gel but they should have enough to make the play-offs and possibly exit the division via that way.
Chester
How they will fare having been granted a reprieve remains a mystery. Their earliest signing, Sean McConville of Stalybridge Celtic, was made when they were still preparing for life in the regional league. But in Steve Burr, the former Kidderminster and Northwich boss, they have one of the shrewdest managers in the non-league game and he should make more of an impact on the side now he's had a full summer to prepare.
His marquee signing is the evergreen striker Chris Iwelumo - the 35 year old ex-Scotland international has scored over 100 league goals in a career for clubs such as Wolves, Charlton and Colchester. As we all know though, big-name players dropping into non-league tend to either be huge hits or massively flops.
Other signings have been promising. Peter Winn, a winger who won the league with Stevenage 4 years ago, joins from Macclesfield. And another wide option is available in highly-rated Wayne Riley from Hednesford Town. His team-mate John Disney, also arrives from the Staffordshire club.
It's defensively where Steve Burr has really gone about repairing the club - Gareth Roberts joins from Notts County with a wealth of football league experience behind him, as does Chesterfield defender Matty Brown, who spent some time on loan at the Deva stadium last season.
Key Player - John Rooney
He might not be quite at talented as his albino England international sibling, though he did provide a creative source to the club's midfield upon joining permanently in January from loan club Bury.
Verdict - 7th
I'm not sure what factual basis I am using to forecast such a strong-placed finish for the Welsh club, given there are clubs who in this moment of time have stronger squads than them, and finishing just outside the play-offs would be a huge leap. I just expect Burr to really make an impact now he has had a whole summer to mould his own side.
Dartford
It was an awful start to the season for Dartford which saw them dig their own grave. Just 5 wins from their first 28 outings meant they were prime contenders for the drop throughout most of the campaign. However, a late surge towards the end of the season saw them briefly flirt with a great escape; 25 points from their final 18 games was mid-table form.
So optimism for a better time of it this time around is justified, though many of the club's signings were made with the club preparing for life in the lower tier. However, Rory McCauley, a key loan figure in their resurgance, has now joined permanently following his departure from Cambridge United. Defensive frailties were their major issue last year with them failing to replace influential duo Tom Bonner and Tom Champion in the summer.
Cambridge team-mate and kent club stalwart Andy Pugh also has put pen to paper, and the striker-come-winger may be an asset if he actually stays fit for once in his career.
They have swapped goalkeepers with Sutton United, which in my opinion is getting the better end of the deal with Jason Brown replacing Alan Julian. Peter Sweeney of AFC Wimbledon will bring much needed experience to the side, and their striking options have been further booster with redhead ex Dover-loanee Harry Crawford joining their ranks.
Key Player - Elliot Bradbrook
I have always secretly admired the Dartford captain, except that's when the bastard is sticking 30 yard screamers past us. I was hoping we'd go after him following their 'relegation'.
Verdict - 17th
This will hardly burden my deep unpopularity amongst DAFC-supporting peers but I think they'll make us of their second chance. Particularly if, as I suspect, they secure the loan services of Alex Wall from Luton again, assuming he remains surplus to requirements at Kenilworth Road.
Eastleigh
However, us Dover fans will only know them too well, this being the 6th consecutive season we have shared a division. After a few years of vast spending under millionaire insurance business Stewart Donald, Eastleigh eventually won the league last season. They were hardly convincing or overloaded with swagger in doing so though, only taking charge of the title race once Bromley ran out of steam with their annual dramatic season collapse.
They have signalled their intentions early on, prompting skidmarks from those bemused fans of ex-league clubs desperate to escape the non-league doldrums. James Constable, regular goalscorer with League 2 Oxford United, has dropped down a division. Along with another top league 2 finisher - AFC Wimbledon's Jack Midson.
As always, their insufferable whingeing cock of a manager Richard Hill has played down talk of their spending, obviously they were drawn in by the vast history and tradition of the Spitfires.
For once though, money has been ploughed into the infrastructure has of the club. The shoddy, county-league style ground with a few tin shelters that we all knew and loved has undergone major surgery this summer, meaning for once we'll actually get an elevated view at the Silverlake stadium.
Marquee strikers aside, Eastleigh have added to their numerically-light squad with the signing of Aldershot midfielder Craig Stanley, who will replace outgoing captain Glen Southam in the middle.
Key Player - Ben Wright
An influential loan signing from Forest Green last season, he has now made his move permanent following a goal clad spell in the business end. The tall forward is a perfect component of their vicious, direct style.
Verdict - 11th
Many have tipped Eastleigh for the play-offs after those two huge signals of intent and they'll have the funds to evolve their squad throughout the season. However, Eastleigh, in my opinion, have an ageing, unbalanced squad and there isn't actually that much quality beyond their various striking options. For me they will prove to be this season's Forest Green.
FC Halifax Town
Whether our opening day opponents tomorrow can replicate those feats remains to be seen - their task will be far more burdensome following the loss of 31 goal striker Lee Gregory, who has been snapped up by Millwall.
The Yorkshiremen however have retained the bulk of their successful squad and have added to it wisely over the summer. Ross Dyer and Richard Penitker, joining from Mansfield and Tamworth respectively, will harbour some of the goalscoring task between them. Neither however have prolific goalscoring records, but will be playing in a side where creativity isn't an issue - Halifax scored 85 goals last season - the second highest total in the division behind champions Luton.
Scott Boden (18 in 40 for Macclesfield) and Jamie Jackson (recently at Worksop Town) will also help with the goalscoring task. Elsewhere, highly-regarded Cambridge full-back Kevin Roberts will boost an inconsistent defence, as will ex-Macclesfield loanee James Bolton.
Key Player - Adam Smith
The ex York City winger has signed a new contract after making 42 appearances last time, netting 3 times. He provides pace and trickery from the right side.
Verdict - 12th
The departure of Gregory leaves a huge void in the side so expect a safe mid-table finish this time around.
Forest Green Rovers
A football league club in waiting with ecocentric, egocentric lefty nutter Dale Vince bankrolling them, they should make a much better go of reaching their inevitable destination this time around now they have the steady Adrian Pennock leading them, who learned his coaching trade as Tony Pulis's sidekick.
FGR have adressed the issue of their extremely unbalanced, striker-heavy squad with a series of impressive signings across the field. Like many other clubs, they have cherry picked at Salisbury's carcass by securing the services midfield trio Rob Sinclair, Elliot Frear and Clovis Kamdjo. They are joined by fellow new midfield options Kurtis Guthrie and Sam Wedgebury, who join from Welling and Stevenage respectively.
The manager has also added some much needed defensive strength as well with the acquisition of Newport County enforcer David Pipe along with Exeter City man Danny Coles.
To add to their plentiful goalscoring options where they already boast James Norwood and hit-and-run expert Lee Hughes, they have signed Fleetwood Town behemoth Jon Parkin, who is bound to flatten a few defences.
Key Player - Lee Hughes
Even at the ripe old age of 38, you'll still expect to see everybody's favourite striker perform that lovable dance of his on several occasions this season.
Verdict - 1st
With quality all over the field, Forest Green should be expecting nothing less than a strong tilt at the title this season. And I think they'll restore the natural order of non-proper club winning, as gut-wrenching as some of you may find the thought of them playing league football.
Gateshead
Now in his first full season in charge, there's no reason why they can't repeat last season's success, as Gateshead rightly earned their tag of one of the best footballing sides in the division.
One thing that his side lacked though was a proper goalscorer. James Narwood top-scored with 14 league strikes but he has since been lured by SPL club St Mirren. They have repaired this loss by securing the signature of former favourite Jon Shaw, who has departed Luton. He will likely be paired by lumbering shithouse targetman Michael Rankine, who was employed by Mills back at York.
Another two of Mills's ex York fledgings has been reunited with him in defender Tom Allan and winger Alex Rodman, who are also joined by last season's loanee JJ O'Donnell from Luton and young Barnsley defender Andrai Jones.
Their summer business has seemingly been concluded with the arrivals of Carlisle forward Lewis Guy and left-back Ryan Wilson. They have however lost the services of defender Carl Magnay, who has seeked pastures new with Grimsby Town.
Key Player - John Oster
The hugely experienced ex-Sunderland midfielder made 32 appearances at the ripe old age of 35, and though his role may be diminishing, Gateshead's young squad will require the guidance of an old head.
Verdict - 5th
I can fully see Gateshead repeating last season's success by reaching the play-offs again with one of the brightest bosses in the non-league game.
Grimsby Town
They certainly boast a nucleus of a strong side. James McKeown inherits the gloves between the sticks, and is widely regarded as the best in the division. Captain Craig Disley is an influential midfielder, one I have been very impressed with when I've seen him at Bristol Rovers. While upfront Ross Hannah is a regular goal-getter.
The majority of their signings come with high appraisal too. Former favourite Alan Connell has rejoined the club following a prolific season 3 seasons ago, which saw him earn a 6-figure-fee move to Swindon Town. And he'll be accompanied by another league standard talent in American John-Paul Pitman.
They have also snapped up Southport duo Scott Brown, who adds to their sizeable ex-York contingent, and defender Aristote Nsiala. Other signings from across the division include winger Jack Mackreth (Macclefield), defender Carl Magnay (Gateshead) and full-back Nathan Arnold, who won promotion with Cambridge last term.
Only true worrying signing is Craig Clay, who has been the subject of much derision of fans of his former employers.
Key Player - Scott Nielson
Popular winger who has won promotion from this level with Crawley previous. He will need to provide the creative spark now they boast one of the division's strongest attacks.
Verdict - 6th
I think that Grimsby really ought to push on with their squad, they are a massive club for this level and their fanbase deserves better. But something always seems to go wrong with them and I can see that continuing this season, as manager Paul Hurst is far from convincing.
Kidderminster Harriers
However, that never materialized, though they were on the cusp of the play-offs with games in hand when Steve Burr was bizarrely sacked just after the new year.
Successor Andy Thorn was a disastrous appointment - after a month of installing ultra negative football, which wielded a run of 3 wins from 10 games, he was dismissed soon into his contract.
Now, with caretaker boss Gary Whild taking the reigns on a full-time basis, the Harriers will be hoping to implement their regular tag as play-off hopefuls. But they will go into the new campaign without key players Mickey Demetriou and Lee Vaughan, who have both seeked out contracts at football league clubs. Amari Morgan-Smith and Willie Gros have also signed professional deals elsewhere.
There is still a decent conference premier squad in place though. Michael Gash for example, is seen as a fine foil for a goalscoring striker, which the Harriers will be hoping will be Reece Styche, the Gibraltar international forward who previously shone at Forest Green. He will also have competition with ex Newport and Stevenage forward Craig Reid, who has been impressive when we have faced him previously.
Young free agents Reece Hales (Birmingham City) and Jake Green (Bristol Rovers) will be hoping to make an impact. So too will Ahmed Obeng, who has earned a move from Rushall Olympic after netting 17 times from the wing last season.
Less risk-free arrivals are defenders Jared Hodgkiss, inbound from Forest Green, as well as experienced defender Kevin Nicholson, who amassed over 300 appearances with Torquay.
Key Player - Josh Gowling
Tall defender who is now in his third season with the Midlands club. The ex Gillingham and Bournemouth defender also provides a goalscoring presence from set-pieces.
Verdict - 9th
They have a strong and sturdy squad, though whether they have now got the cutting edge to see them into the play-offs is another matter. A run of 6 draws in their final 10 game saw them fall short, so Styche and Reid will need to hit the ground running.
Lincoln City
However, their summer acquisitions have been a less than inspiring crop. Karl Ledsham of Southport amassed over 140 appearances with the Merseyside club and has penned a deal. Possibly a sturdy signing, though one with little to suggest it can be springboard them into play-off hopefuls.
Sahr Kabba, formerly of Weston, is a player that I quite rate. Though that was at conference south level, and last season he was mainly used from the bench with Havant. Jordan Burrow is another forward to sign with the Lincolnshire side, though he has been heavily mocked by Stevenage and Morecambe fans for being, well, shit. That was at a higher level though, but another ex Shrimps player Tony Diagne arrives with similar derision.
They will just have to hope that he and his team-mate, Marcus Marshall, who arrives on loan, make an impact. So too with defenders Jake Caprice (Dagenham) and Hamza Bencheriff, a former Plymouth defender most recently plying his trade in Algeria.
Key Player - Ben Tomlinson
Top scorer with 18 net bulgers last season, the ex Alfreton man is one of their few sources of regular goals and he will need to maintain that.
Verdict - 18th
Ouch. Sorry Lincoln fans, I do possess one of your shirts in my wardrobe so please don't take it personally. I just am unconvinced by Simpson as manager and can see this being another season of disappointment.
Macclesfield Town
The vast bulk of last season's squad that finished in 15th place no longer remain. Two of the clubs older guard; Danny Whitaker (33), Efes Sodje (must be in his fifties by now) remain with the club, but the only players of any continuity from last season are goalkeepers Rhys Taylor and Richie Branagan, midfielders Paul Lewis and Paul Turnbull and defender Andy Halls. Striker Chris Holroyd has also joined permanently, following an unconvincing return of 7 goals in 41 games on loan for the club last season.
So it's now a case for manager John Askey to patch up a team rapidly before the season starts. Most of the arrivals reak of scrapping the barrel. Striker Waide Fairhurst returns to the club after achieving a poor goals ratio with Lincoln. Winger Adriano Moke has arrived in from Stockport amid much criticism of his attitude at his former clubs. Defender Scott Barrow has just been relegated at this level with Tamworth. Luke Waterfall played just 4 times for Scunthorpe last season.
So it looks like a major uphill battle this season on and off the field.
Key Player - George Pilkington
The former Luton Town and Mansfield defender is now getting on a bit, though his experience will be much needed in a tough season.
Verdict - 22nd
With all the mitigating factors above, it will be difficult to see the Silkmen surviving this season, though I expect them to give it a fight.
Nuneaton Town
Now, however, they will have to start afresh without two of their best talents; top goalscorer Lewis Moult and winger Wes York - both of whom have upped sticks to North Wales with Wrexham.
Magno Viera has signed on loan from Forest Green to try and rectify the 17 goal gap that Moult leaves The Boro with, though the Brazillian has had a poor couple of seasons in the West Country.
The superbly-named Jorrin John may possibly partner him; the ex Leicester youth prospect has returned to England after a 3 year stint in Thailand. Or that berth could go to ex Middlesborough prospect Ben Hutchinson, who joins after a less than fruitful stint with Mansfield. The club will be hopeful that ex Burton Albion midfielder Jack Dyer will provide the creativity for them to flourish.
Much will also depend on how Reice-Charles Cooke adapts - the 20 year old loanee from Coventry is expected to be their number one this term. Their other goalkeeper, James Wren, arrives having been back up choice with relegated rivals Tamworth.
Key Player - Magno Vieira
Will need to rediscover his goalscoring touch sharply to provide them with the potency they require.
Verdict - 24th
I suspect this one may come back to bite me on the derriere more than any other prediction, however, I think it's reasonable to assume they may struggle this season. Their form dipped once their manager Kevin Wilkin exited for Wrexham, who has since nabbed their best players. There were also lingering off-field troubles to contend with.
Southport
However, he's since been lured by the glamour of Irish club Sligo Rovers and thus they will now have to make do with the leadership of Martin Foyle, who oversaw Hereford's near-miss with the bottom four last season amid financial chaos.
His reputation less than favourable after taking his former club to court (seriously, in what other business than football would somebody be panned for seeking lossed earnings with their employers? football fans are twats), while on field he has a reputation for dull, long-ball, anti-football.
They won't mind enduring aching necks if he achieves that aim, however, it will be a task after vast player turnaround this summer. Various players have moved on elsewhere, with many listed above, such as the Telford lot, the Grimsby duo and Karl Ledsham at Lincoln.
Foyle has brought in one of his favourite former protege's - Richard Brodie - who scored a shedload of goals in his 2009/10 York City side. However, he's been unable to replicate that goalscoring form with a string of clubs since. The duck-faced notorious wind-up merchant is not a popular figure with opposing fans, which we may soon discover.
Daniel Lloyd-Weston has also followed suit from Hereford and should become his number 1 on Merseyside, as does defender Dominic Collins. Forest Green utility man Stephen Brogan also arrives from that area of the country.
Defender Luke Foster (Lincoln), midfielder Scott Kay and stopper Joe Conner (both Macclesfield), striker Micah Evans (Burnley) and John Marsden (Shrewsbury) are all newbies to the club and will be required to get to grips quickly if the club are to avoid living up to their tag as one of the relegation favourites.
Key Player - Paul Rutherford
To be honest, I have no idea how the winger has fared since arrival from Barrow last season, and I'm not even sure if he's still there. However, my good mate Stuey is a Bluebirds fan so that's good enough for me.
Verdict - 20th
Like us, Southport's squad quality is probably amongst the bottom four in terms of quality. However, they will probably just about see it through - via a mixture of luck and rough anti-football against brittle teams without a Plan B.
Torquay United
However, the Devon-based club do not appear to be in a particular bad state of disrepair, unlike most who fall through the trap-door, so I am expecting them to acquit to it well this time around.
Naturally there have been some big departures - namely long-serving pair Lee Mansell and Kevin Nicholson - which are moves that probably benefit both parties. Talented Joss Labadie has found a league club in Dagenham, while youngster Neal Osborn has earned the club a tidy sum after being plucked by Southampton's academy.
However, there have been enough strong additions to suggest they could bounce back quicker than most expect. Luke Young, who from what I've seen of his performances at Plymouth Argyle, is too talented to be playing in such a tinpot league. Ryan Bowman, who scored goals at league 2 level with York last season, was excellent with Hereford at this level two seasons ago.
Ex-Mansfield winger Louis Briscoe starred in their championship winning campaign in that same season and youngster Angus MacDonald from Reading should provide more directness from the flanks.
Other additions to the squad are mainly of a young age - goalkeeper Jordan Seabright (Dagenham), Courtney Richards (Brighton), Duane O'Archie (Southend) and Toby Ajaja (AFC Wimbledon) and many could flourish alongside an otherwise fairly experienced squad.
Key Player - Luke Young
For me, a signing that indicates the player was unwilling to move too far away from home, as he is surely still good enough to play league football.
Verdict - 4th
Torquay are quietly going under the radar this summer with Bristol Rovers crashing the waves with their billy big bollocks attitude. I think they have a squad that looks strong enough to make the play-offs at the very least. All depends on how young Hargreaves adapts into this management lark.
Welling United
Whether or not he can continue to perform so well on limited resources remains to be seen though. He has to rebuild his side again following the departures of key midfielder Kieron Guthrie to Barnet and top goalscorer Ross Lafayette to Luton Town.
Some of his replacement signings have been far from convincing. Waste-of-space Chelmsford pair Kieron St-Amie and Nicky Nicolau are now at Park View Road, despite awful personal showings with the Essex club. The former may have scored a last minute equaliser at Crabble last season but that's more of an indictment on how wank we are at home.
His transfer policy elsewhere seems to be over-reliant on hoping released talented youngsters from bigger clubs can perform for him. Zac Fagan (19 - Arsenal), Ben Jifford (19 -Port Vale), Rod Young (20 - Norwich), Tyrone Marsh (20 - Oxford) are all new arrivals along with conference south pair Charlie Gorman (Eastbourne) and Callum McNaughton (Stortford).
One thing's for sure though - Day is an outstanding young manager who they can have the utmost faith in - even if they do come up a little short.
Key Player - Joe Healy
Scorer of that tremendous goal in that epic 3-2 win at Crabble two seasons back, Joe has always seemed like a talented wide player who can rely on technical ability rather than just raw pace.
Verdict - 21st
I think the Wings will become victims of this dreaded second season syndrome cliched bollocks lark, though they may possibly finish high enough for a reprieve. I would be completely unsurprised though if Day, who I very much admire, renders my words meaningless.
Woking
They have good reasoning too. A poor start to the 2013/14 campaign was notable for an astonishing rant made by the much loved non-league internet legend Kingfield Ender, who insisted that Gary Hill should "stick the nut on these cunts" following a feeble home defeat to Gateshead.
The shrewd bald-headed operator clearly took note as The Cards surged into the upper half in the latter part of the campaign, accumulating in a 9th placed finish - their best since 2005. Amongst their scalps including ending Luton's season-long unbeaten run at Kenilworth Road.
Now the question is whether they can push on from that and worm their way into the play-offs. A host of strong summer signings suggest that they can. Importantly, Scott Rendell has made his loan move from Bedfordshire permanent - meaning they now boast a regular source of goals, should the ex-Cambridge striker stay fit.
I'm very impressed with the procurement of Jacob Cole - who as a minor Plymouth 2 club wanker - I believe to be easily of League standard. He only seemed to get shunted out there because of the fans' love-in and clamour for killer Luke McCormick. He will be a much safer bet than the hapless Sam Beasant - son of the lardarse David of crazy gang fame.
Elsewhere, they have feasted on Salisbury's corpse by bringing in the pair of Theo Lewis and Jamie Clarke, made the loan signing of Kieron Murtagh into a permanent one and also taken a gamble on Wycombe forward Dean Morgan. The latter a very talented player albeit with a rotting attitude problem.
Having also re-secured the services of some of their better players like Jack Payne and Mark Ricketts, they have every right to anticipate the new season.
Key Player - Kevin Betsy
The ancient midfielder may soon be requiring a free bus pass - and although his pace is diminishing - he still contributed vitally in terms of goals scored and assists created.
Verdict - 8th
The one downfall for me regarding Woking is the lack of depth in the squad. A few injuries in key areas may prevent them from pushing on for a play-off berth.
Wrexham
Optimism is renewed however, following the departure of Andy Morrell. He was replaced last term by the brains of Nuneaton Town's rise - Kevin Wilkin. Whether he is equipped to repeat his success with a club of more mightier stature though is yet to be seen.
He has recruited well on paper. As aforementioned earlier, key pairing Wes York and Louis Moult have followed him from his former club to provide ammunition and goals. And Moult's pairing with Conor Jennings should be a fruitful one - the ex Scunthorpe striker bagged 17 in a prolific spell at Macclesfield last season.
Defenders Blaine Hudson (Cambridge United), Manny Smith (Notts County) and goalkeeper Daniel Bachmann (Stoke) also forge his new-look squad. Johnny Hunt, however, has been lost to Cambridge United. He was their top goalscorer from midfield last season with 11 league strikes.
Key Player - Dean Keates
A stalwart of my Rochdale Football Manager 2008 side that was hugely successful, the veteran midfielder is now 36 years old and captains the side.
Verdict - 10th
A season of transition for the club, though I wouldn't be too surprised should they go onto make the play-offs.
And so my final predicted table reads.....
1 FGR
2 Barnet
3 Bristol Rovers
4 Torquay
5 Gateshead
6 Grimsby
7 Chester
8 Woking
9 Kiddy
10 Wrexham
11 Eastleigh
12 Halifax
13 Braintree
14 Aldershot
15 AFC Telford
16 Altrincham
17 Dartford
18 Lincoln
19 Dover
20 Southport
21 Welling
22 Macclesfield
23 Alfreton
24 Nuneaton
Thanks for reading this (if you did indeed bother to go through it all). Once again I haven't had time to proof-read for errors, typos and general fuckwittery so please give me room for error. I've sweat my nut-sack off writing this after a 10 hour shift at work of self-loathing.
Please feel free to point out in the comment sections that I am a shit-for-brains cunt who knows fuck all about football, or send me death threats for insinuating your club will finish 4 places below where they actually will. Feel free to share, to ridicule, to laugh at and post it further and wide.
Because to be honest, compiling this took a lot of fucking effort (I can see why I gave up blogging in the first place now!!).
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