I woke up just prior to my 7:30AM alarm after a terrific night sleep, achieving a rare 8+ hour sleep for once, having stayed in for the 4th consecutive Friday evening. After a nice lengthy bath and swift poo, I got myself ready for the day ahead. Unfortunately being a beetroot dodger, the santa costume that I bought for the day did not fit so I just had to make do with the beard and hat. The troops that I had rounded up round my house looked far more smarter. Russell was sporting a santa costume that looked like it had cost more than £5 while Jared turned up in a clown costume with an hilariously bad mask. No, I can't see the Christmas reference there either.
After only a managing to eat half a slice of the previous evening's pizza, we wandered up to the station with the rest of the crew, consisting of myself, Russell, Fish, Jared, Sappo and my sister Jess who was making a fleeting appearence to watch the mighty Whites on the road. At the station we were met by Phil, 'Boring' John, Kieran Dodd, Ryan Reid and his delightful girlfriend Katie, in what was a fairly decent train turnout for an away game at shithole just prior to Christmas. Dave Waterfield and Andy Lucey joined us from both Folkestone and Ashford respectively, with ginger Jonathan Pring waiting for us at Waterloo. So overall a nice diverse group consisting of some strong and wonderful personalities.
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| Jared and Boring John collide. Too much charisma in one photo |
The 09:24 train from Dover Priory to London Waterloo was fairly lively one, on a stupidly short train consisting of only 3 carridges. While we managed to obtain 3 table seats, it was still fairly cramped and consisted of many annoying tourists and young single mums with their brat children. Christ, I sound like a bigot!
Most of the entertainment sources from an unusual game of top trumps; a set of cards consisting of many well-known Dover and former Dover fans that were created by my sister a while ago. The catergories on each card consist of Looks, Likeability, Slag Factor, Intelligence, Hooligan Factor and Funniness.
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| A Jollyboy Top Trump Card. Make what you will of my scorings.... |
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| Train army |
It was a very enjoyable start to the day, made even better by a rare appearence by Andy Lucey. He's very rarely seen at away games these days and took advantage of 'problems at home' - which I won't divulge further into - to make the outing. I think part of the reason of why he came is because he's one of the biggest fans of my blog and would therefore like a lengthy inclusion! But either way he ended up enjoying a near picture-perfect away day like the rest of us.
The only dissapointment was the lack of appearence from my good Barrovian friend Stuey, who had managed to miss his train to Sevenoaks, where he was due to meet us. So unfortunately our next meet has been put on hold for another length of time.
Upon arrival at Waterloo, circa 11:15, we made our way to the pub just oustide the station; The Hole In The Wall. Usually I fucking hate the city of Scumdon and their extorniate prices, but this I always find to be a really enjoyable traditional boozer. At £3.30 for a pint of Becks, it was certainly reasonable prices. Its one of those traditional pubs that serves food and had wooden floors and walls, and I certainly enjoyed the old newspaper clippings that were framed outside in the beer garden, including the likes of JFK's assassination, 9/11 and Princess Diana's wedding to Charles.
More importantly, the beer was very good too. I managed a pint of becks and some German lager, which I cannot for the life of me remember the name of. All I know if that it was lovely, as you would expect when you part with £3.60 for a drink.
After engaging in some interesting dialect with Dave Waterfield about the misconception of the sport and culture of Rugby, and many failed attempts on the quiz machine, we headed back into the station to catch the 12:20 train into Staines.
This journey only took around half an hour, yet we still left enough of an impression to make two old bints move to another carridge. I wasn't really paying much attention but apparently they weren't impressed with our noise and general behaviour.
As I was saying to somebody on the way up, theres something about being in a large group that makes you feel it is acceptable to generally act like a twat and think you're above the society behaviour norms, while if we were alone on a train and a group of pissed rowdy football fans were present we'd be condemning of them. I love hypocrisy, and I love being part of that hypocrisy.
But yes, other than being a bit of a loud nuisance I spent most of the time speaking to Lucey Andy before coming up with the fabolous idea that we would get Ryan Reid to propose to his girlfriend.
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| "Callum, check out the crumpet over there" |
Then we arrived at Staines. Forget the Ali G stereotypes of "east sides and west sides", Staines is pretty much just a run-of-the-mill Surrey* outpost, a fairly quiet town with nothing interesting of note, yet nothing too bad to particularly say about it either. We headed to the first pub that Phil had planned out for us, one that I cannot remember the name of in usual Callum fashion.
*I had a fairly lengthy discussion with somebody over which county Staines belongs too, with myself concluding that it is Surrey after the dissolution of Middlesex decades ago. This then led to a debate over whether Middlesex still exists and whether it ever existed as a county in the first place. And after checking the ever reliable wikipedia a few seconds ago, it turns out I was right on both counts. Staines is situated in Surrey, while Middlesex dissolved as a county in 1965 with many of its town going to neighbouring counties Greater London, Hertfordshire and Surrey. I'm glad thats out in the open and we can all sleep easy now. (Providing anyone can remember this conversation in the first place).
Anyway, this pub was a pretty small one but served well for a transitional pint. The best part of this was ginger Christopher Hunt joining us after catching a later train. As I said a few blogs ago, its always good to see him.
I don't think we spent particularly long in this pub. I bought myself a pint of Sagres, a Portuguese premium lager, which continued my newly-found elegance.
After a fairly swift pint, in which Russell actually managed to drink his full pint (shock horror!) we made our way to the next drinking cavern. En route one of our youngers yobs dropped his pint of fosters in the street which he was duely condemned for the by the rest of us. See, we are a bunch of good-natured people after all?
Again, I can't remember the name of this place but it was only a few hundred yards from the ground and it was a very nice pub. Someone suggested to me, I think Lucey, that I should jot things down as we go so I can remember all the details of everything that happens during an outing. Sounds like a good idea on paper but lets face it, very un-practical at the same time as well as being very geekish.
But yeah, a decent pub this was with many beer tables on the outside front. I bought myself and Russell a pint of Staropramen, the finest Czech beer that this country has to offer. Quite steep at £3.70, but enabled me to continue my newly found stylish imagine. (Well, until I succumbed to a fosters for the next drink!).
Many of the Dover coach army joined us in here including seasoned veterans such as Chris Collings, Mark Winter, Phil Palmer and his father. I was keen to show everybody the picture of our wonderful new flag, which Russell discovered had been uploaded while browsing facebook. In case you somehow missed it, here it is;
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| A work of art, I'm sure you'll agree. |
Elsewhere, service was as usual. Me and Russell were speaking to some old Staines chap, whom I was suprsingly polite too considering I hold a strong disdain for his football club. He was alright, we spoke about the game ahead, their players and all sorts of other boring football related shit. I didn't have the nerve to tell him that I hoped his club would get relegated though.
Nothing particularly wild of note occured though. Just the same old light-hearted banter and conversations about relationships, life, sex, football, euphenasia, 19th century Russian literature and the downfall of the Soviet Union, that sort of thing.
We made our way to the ground just in time for kick-off, opting not to have a beer in their bar. Their bar is actually one of the better ones in this league, but the ground is a complete shithole and not one you particularly want to spend too much time in. Depressingly, this was my 5th visit to Wheatsheaf Park, once Lucey had played the role of father and got me in as a child.
We immiedietly saw the rest of the Dover crew and headed over to catch up with them. Various of them had joined in with the fancy dress too, with some bloke bringing this impressive young fella to the game;
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| Andy Fisher's long-lost son. |
Lets be honest; fancy dress and getting pissed is very childish and moronic but a vital necessity to making a grim prospect like Staines away in December bareable. As Dave Waterfield eluded on earlier in the day, there are 24 hours in a day and 22 of them do not involve any football. I'll go to Dover games whether it means going there sober, pissed, injured, ill, through snow, rain, midweek and evenings but I'll always attempt to make the day more enjoyable and generally for me and others, than involves getting pissed with fellow mates.
My first few years following Dover involved me going straight up to the ground on my own, watching the game before heading straight back home. Then my dad started to become involved in the scene and I'd head to the railway club with him and Neil before games, listening to their tediously inane conversations about work. And then I finally became involved socially with all the Jollyboys and I've rarely remained sober on matchdays since!
But yeah, watching shit non-league football is generally made better by the social side of things which helps you through the shit months. I've seen many Dover 'supporters' come and go, purely for the social side of things. Any younguns my ages that are still remaining can count themselves as true Dover supporters.
Anyway, not sure whats brought on that sentimental bullshit but we'll crack onto the football side of things!
We made our way round to the far goal, which is unusual because we normally stand on the side terrace at Staines. Its very cramped and tight behind the goal, and very near to the pitch. But we had a christmas present arrive early in the form of Dominque Jean Zepherin, our comical former goalkeeper who would provide the entertainment throughout the entire game, and helped send the 3 points back to Dover.
I had read on the forum earlier in the week that he was out injured for Staines with a groin injury, so it came as a very delightful suprise to see him included inbetween the sticks. In a pretty uneventful first-half, he would end up as the main talking point. With us being delightfully close to the pitch, he was able to hear every bit of abuse that was being barraged in his way. And he chomps in truely spectacular fashion. Every rare moment that Staines were able to break into our half, he walked back towards us to respond back or gesture towards us.
And it was us who would end up with the main laugh. With about quartar of an hour gone, Bricknell broke into right-hand side of the box and fired a low shot towards the bottom left corner. And thats where the ball ended up, thanks to Dominque allowing it to go underneath his palm, marking Bricknell's first goal since October and his return from injury. I manged to grasp hold of the ball and it nested into the goal and held it in my hands.
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| Doverclauses celebrate Billy's opener. |
Half-time was when the real fun and games began. As I was sipping on a much needed pint of fosters in their bar, news reached us that Alan* and Reidy had been kicked out of the ground. I reacted absolutely furiously to what i'd just heard, quickly finished my pint and dashed outside to find out what on earth was going. First of all I was under the impression that Alan had been kicked out because he had just had a piss behind the back of stand, where some of the others have moved round to just before half-time.
So there I was vigourously protesting Alan's innocence to the stewards even though I was completely unaware to what he had done. Then Phil tried explaining to me that once he had taken a piss Alan decided to try and climb the gantry behind it to get a bird's eye view of the game. Still though, I refused to believe this as it was such an out-of-character thing for Alan to do, who he is usually the most sensible out of all our group. So I couldn't effing and blinding at everyone under the sun, vowing to get him back into the ground. It wasn't until I rang him that he admitted his wrong-doing which just left me a bit flabbergasted.
*I'm only using the pseudo name Alan for the culprit incase their are any spiteful, vindictive cunts reading the blog, which I know there are a few, to protect his identity. Anyway, he admitted he was in the wrong and accepted his kicking out of the ground and ended up reading the live text for the rest of the second half.
Personally though I just think it was fucking hilarious and the person in question should be praised rather than condemned. Then again, I'm an idiot.
Reidy was kicked out for carrying Alan's santa bag which I believe had a few cans of beers in. I'm led to believe he turned on the waterworks and the stewards allowed him back into the ground.
After those unexpected shenanghians, it was time for the second half. Abusing DJZ had had its times so instead we took shelted under the terrace on the side, where we were able to make an atmosphere. After Staines small band of fans began singing a few songs at us, we decided it was time to up our game and keep them shut up for the rest of the half. They did.
And we comfortably saw them off on the pitch too. George Purcell continued his revival with a well-taken finish that found the top left-corner. A clever through ball let him in acres of spaces and he finished emphatically. But if that was good then then you should have seen the Danny Gordon own goal past the 70 minute mark. A low cross from new signing Terry Dixon was whipped in from the right and it bobbled off the poor fellas shin. Le Clown tried running towards it but could only watch it slowly bobble in off the post. 3-0 to Les Douvres.
For some reason this had me in absolute stitches and it took me a few minutes to calm down. By this point, the pissed-up jollyboys were bouyant the small group of us in the stand began bouncing and making a racket for the final 20 minutes. We had chances to extend our lead, but Georgous George could only see his shot graze the bar while Simmonds headed wide a golden chance after a superb cross.
But the scoreline remained 3-0 and it was well deserved for the Whites. We certainly weren't outstanding by any stretch but it was an efficient, clinical performance against a poor Staines side who look destined to finish in the bottom 3. They offered absolutely nothing going forward and their defence could have been carved open further. Despite the excellent day I had, I really hope that is where the finish. I don't necessarily automaticly hate small clubs, but Staines are an utterly tinpot club that are devoid of any charm, and I can't say the same for Thurrock. We only took around 100 tops yet the crowd was an appalling low 302. As Mark Winter said to me a few weeks back, its annoying when we take a reasonable number to these clubs and spending money there when we'll only get a small fraction of that back at Crabble.
As for Dover, we certainly look a lot more confident and look more spirited since our recent poor form and consequent clear-out of players. Leon Redwood has just exited which is welcome news, while new signing Terry Dixon certainly looked useful when he was introduced as a substitute in the second half. I can remember one particular superb pass he played out to the right flank.
As with the Bromley game, I'm not going to get too ahead of myself as we've only come accross two poor sides that will do well survive relegation this season. But we look much more improved and I think, I THINK, we will only improve in the coming weeks. Fingers crossed.
Once the whistle blew for full-time there were a few verbals exchanged between Dover fans and the over-zealous stewards, prompting us to completely by-pass their bar and put any further money into their club (even though I've just found out that they don't keep the profits from their bar!). In fact, we actually by-passed every pub all together, instead heading straight back to the station. This time we took a completely different route to the one were took to the ground and it seemed to take a helluva lot longer. I'm not sure whether this was down to being pretty leathered but either way it didn't leave us enough time to find an off-license to grab some celebratory beers. I still found myself enough time to play 'knock-down-ginger' though, which while it amused myself and the more immature members amongst us, it raised a few tuts from some of the others.
This train was another crowded one and there were no seats for us to sit down anywhere. So we had to stand in the bit between the carridges, and we continued to make nuisances of ourselves by bursting out into Dover songs. Fortunately though I don't think we annoyed any of the people around us, infact the older fellows sitting near us seemed quite intrigued at these non-league weirdos and some of them engaged in conversation with us.
Mind you, throwing biscuits that Doddy has bought down the train, trying to hit the others was probably not my most sensible moment.
We arrived back into Waterloo not long after 6PM, with many of us gagging for our post-match pint. Some of us headed to the Wellington (bloody hell I can remember the name of a pub!) directly outside the station while fannies like my sister, Russell, Fish and Dodd decided to buy food instead. They probably had the right idea though. It wasn't my favourite pub, one of those horrid modern, over-priced Sportsbars where my £3.60 Fosters was considered cheap. I vaguely remember watching parts of the Chelski game in here while Sappo bullshitted to me about his fruit machine winnings and how good he is at playing them.
Anyway, I think i'd had too much to drink by this point and the beer didn't go down to tremendously. Instead I headed next door to Sainsburys with Jared and Sappo, collecting a few beers and a Wensleydale & Gammon sandwich, some much needed much. Sophisticated indeed, but it didn't too much to fill the hunger void.
After some panic that we would miss the train with everyone scattered around different parts of Waterloo, we all eventually made our way onto the 19:12 train back to Dover. My memory is pretty hazy at this point but I do recall comically pulling my santa hat over my face and ripping it apart - doesn't sound particularly amusing but it was a 'had to be there' moment.
While the others were planning a Karaeoke session in the OE for when they arrived home, I instead had to plan a route back to Herne Bay. Due to engingeering works, I had to get off at Tonbridge and go home via Strood and Faversham. So I had to leave prematurely and say my emotional goodbyes to the others, all of whom I love very much and had a splendid day within their company.
My sister Jess was with me so I had no danger of waking up in some obscure shithole at some silly hour in the morning. I haven't really mentioned my sister much in this blog but I don't think she really did anything noticeable. She managed to go the whole day sober - thats probably why.
Anyway, the train from Tonbridge to Strood was a really exciting one. I've never been on that train line before, in fact I never knew it existed. I discovered various places in Kent that I had previously never heard of. Has anyone heard of Cuxton, Wateringbury, Yalding and Halling? No me neither. West Kent is so obscure its ridiculous.
We eventually arrived back into Herne Bay circa 10PM, and the first thing on the cards was to pick up a chinese takeaway, which went down an absolute treat. As did the remainders on the following morning. And that Ladies and Gentlemen, concluded a terrific day that served a few reminders;
- You can have a good day out at shitholes like Staines. Its what you make of them.
- Never ever think its a good idea to climb TV gantrys.
Thanks for reading everyone anyway. This one has taken a fair bit of prodding at the keyboard to complete, in fact I decided to get out an hour early at work this evening so I could finish it before tomorrow.
As I probably won't see any of you until Boxing Day, I would like to wish you all a merry christmas and thank you for your continued support of this blog. Without you, I would have given up the desire to carry on writing it.
I shall probably complete my Boxing Day write-up before the new year, so stay tuned if you have nothing better to do over the Christmas period. In fact make sure you turn up to the Christmas double-header with Eastbourne - the boys need our continued support and we have an excellent chance to get maximum points on board. So I'll see you all then.
Oh and note for Reg, cheers for the Boxing day lift once again. Herne Bay station, 12pm, won't forget.
| Saturday 17 Dec 2011 | |||||
|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| Basingstoke | 1 | - | 1 | Chelmsford | |
 Daly (45) |
 Ibe (11) |
 434 |
|||
| Dartford | 1 | - | 1 | Dorchester | |
| Harris (91) |
Symes (71) |
924 |
|||
| Eastbourne Borough | 1 | - | 2 | Weston-S-Mare | |
| Johnson (89) |
Young (28) Grubb (63) |
519 |
|||
| Eastleigh | 2 | - | 0 | Boreham Wood | |
| Slabber (37) Scannell (69) |
490 |
||||
| Farnborough | 2 | - | 1 | Bromley | |
| Bergqvist (39) Connolly (81) |
Smith (34) |
409 |
|||
| Salisbury | 0 | - | 2 | Maidenhead Utd | |
| Powell (27) (29) |
647 |
||||
| Staines Town | 0 | - | 3 | Dover | |
| Gordon (74 og ) |
Bricknell (15) Purcell (58) |
308 |
|||
| Sutton Utd | 4 | - | 3 | Welling | |
| Kavanagh (13) Beautyman (17) Page (75) Watkins (78) |
Pugh (14) Cumbers (26) Cumbers (74) |
609 |
|||
| Thurrock | 1 | - | 1 | Woking | |
| Guy (27) |
Hammond (76) |
380 |
|||
| Tonbridge Angels | 1 | - | 2 | Havant and W | |
| Olorunda (48) |
Ramsey (11) Palmer (82) |
599 |
|||
| Truro City | 3 | - | 3 | Hampton & Richmond | |
| Walker (59) Ash (07) Ash (91) |
Ledgister (36) Huggins (41) Tarpey (73) |
250 | |||
| Pos | Team | P | W | D | L | F | A | GD | Pts | |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1 |  |
Woking | 22 | 16 | 5 | 1 | 52 | 18 | 34 | 53 |
| 2 | |
Welling United | 21 | 13 | 4 | 4 | 47 | 30 | 17 | 43 |
| 3 |  |
Chelmsford | 21 | 10 | 9 | 2 | 40 | 19 | 21 | 39 |
| 4 |  |
Dartford | 20 | 11 | 5 | 4 | 41 | 25 | 16 | 38 |
| 5 | |
Sutton United | 19 | 11 | 4 | 4 | 38 | 23 | 15 | 37 |
| 6 | |
Dover | 21 | 9 | 7 | 5 | 34 | 22 | 12 | 34 |
| 7 | |
Dorchester | 24 | 9 | 5 | 10 | 30 | 34 | -4 | 32 |
| 8 | |
Basingstoke Town | 19 | 8 | 7 | 4 | 33 | 23 | 10 | 31 |
| 9 | |
Weston-S-Mare | 20 | 9 | 4 | 7 | 36 | 33 | 3 | 31 |
| 10 | |
Eastleigh | 21 | 9 | 3 | 9 | 29 | 33 | -4 | 30 |
| 11 | |
Tonbridge Angels | 22 | 8 | 4 | 10 | 36 | 42 | -6 | 28 |
| 12 | |
Boreham Wood | 21 | 8 | 4 | 9 | 24 | 31 | -7 | 28 |
| 13 | |
Truro City | 20 | 8 | 3 | 9 | 36 | 38 | -2 | 27 |
| 14 | |
Eastbourne Borough | 20 | 7 | 4 | 9 | 35 | 34 | 1 | 25 |
| 15 | |
Havant and Waterlooville | 20 | 6 | 6 | 8 | 34 | 33 | 1 | 24 |
| 16 | |
Farnborough | 21 | 6 | 5 | 10 | 30 | 48 | -18 | 23 |
| 17 | |
Salisbury City | 19 | 6 | 4 | 9 | 26 | 31 | -5 | 22 |
| 18 | |
Maidenhead United | 22 | 6 | 3 | 13 | 26 | 46 | -20 | 21 |
| 19 | |
Bromley | 21 | 5 | 4 | 12 | 29 | 45 | -16 | 19 |
| 20 | |
Hampton & Richmond | 20 | 4 | 5 | 11 | 26 | 36 | -10 | 17 |
| 21 | |
Staines Town | 20 | 3 | 5 | 12 | 21 | 33 | -12 | 14 |
| 22 | |
Thurrock | 20 | 3 | 4 | 13 | 20 | 46 | -26 | 13 |
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