I think it will be a easier if I just copy and paste this introduction to this annual blog each year to save myself time, as very little changes. True, I've reverted back to the groundhopper stereotype of wanking into a crusty old sock on lonely nights again, - a decision made on my own accord, I must add. Thankfully, this means that I've been able to diversify my midweek groundhops beyond Aggborough this season, which has helped contribute to a total of 60 new grounds visited this season.
I've pretty much excelled myself in the 'sad cunt' stakes this season; my tally of attending 78 games is my highest total yet, and is due to rise to 79 once I safely make it to Norway vs Sweden in Oslo next week. Astonishingly, I've failed to see a single goalless game this season, a run that has reached a hundred games now. You'll have to rewind to 5th March 2016 for the last time I witnessed a blank; Worcester City's stalemate against FC United. That one came at a climax of a run where I saw one goal - a James Milner penalty - in five games, which makes the subsequent anorakal feat even more remarkable.
I've also registered the fewest amount of Dover games I've ever been to in a season: a measly 10 outings, which includes a non-publicized pre-season friendly at Corinthian FC's fabulously named 'Gay Dawn Farm', which easily takes the accolade of best ground name of the season. Only two of those matches were at The Crabble, meaning I've officially been to the King Power more times this season. It's a shame my apathy with the club didn't coincide with the days we had pea-hearted, bottle-merchants like Lee Spiller and Tommy Tyne regularly disgracing the Whites shirt, as we're actually a pretty fucking decent side these days.
I've also registered the fewest amount of Dover games I've ever been to in a season: a measly 10 outings, which includes a non-publicized pre-season friendly at Corinthian FC's fabulously named 'Gay Dawn Farm', which easily takes the accolade of best ground name of the season. Only two of those matches were at The Crabble, meaning I've officially been to the King Power more times this season. It's a shame my apathy with the club didn't coincide with the days we had pea-hearted, bottle-merchants like Lee Spiller and Tommy Tyne regularly disgracing the Whites shirt, as we're actually a pretty fucking decent side these days.
FAVOURITE NON-LEAGUE GROUNDS VISITED IN 2016/17
I failed to take advantage of the four new league grounds available to me with Dover, with that lovable bastard Prashant unwilling to swap shifts with me on the weekend of Solihull Motors away. None of the others make the list anyway, as I was unexpectedly underwhelmed by York's Bootham Crescent, which is somewhat attributed to how duff the away end is there. Ergo my selections will look further down the pyramid....
5) Quorn AFC - The Farway Stadium
I failed to take advantage of the four new league grounds available to me with Dover, with that lovable bastard Prashant unwilling to swap shifts with me on the weekend of Solihull Motors away. None of the others make the list anyway, as I was unexpectedly underwhelmed by York's Bootham Crescent, which is somewhat attributed to how duff the away end is there. Ergo my selections will look further down the pyramid....
5) Quorn AFC - The Farway Stadium
Not just the name we associate with a product consumed by those who are doing their very best to save the planet. This is actually a village on the outskirts of Loughborough. Leicestershire is superb for quaint groundhops in rural villages, featuring cosy country pubs, and this was one of my favourites among that criteria. They play at Step 5 in the Midland Premier League and have a superb ground for that level, which I'm informed was financed by the sale of Luke Varney to Crewe Alexander, who went on to achieve superstardom with Championship stalwarts Leeds United.
4) Rugby Town - Butlin Road
It's a travesty that a town the size of Rugby and a ground of Butlin Road's stature will be hosting county-level football next season, having been relegated from step four at the end of the season. It really is one of the smartest grounds I've seen at that level, with a towering main stand offering tremendous views. The ground has covered terracing on all other sides, including a sizable one behind one goal. It's honestly far better than a number of grounds at Conference Premier level. Chip butties doused in piri-piri sauce are also a big winner imo.
3) FC United of Manchester - Broadhurst Park.
Okay, I'll admit it. I've vehemently slagged off FCUM in the past, describing them as a shit protest club and a bunch of fraudulent, hypocritical shysters with a falsified raison d'etre. And while I won't stray too far from them beliefs, I have to say my impressions of the matchday up there were overwhelmingly positive. On the afternoon I traveled up to Manchester I learned that this derby against Stockport County was actually all-ticket and I had missed the deadline to purchase one. I emailed the club, explaining my situation, and the guy in the office replied to say he would leave me a complimentary ticket at the club office, and just asked me to make a donation for it. Absolutely top class gesture, that.
It's an ace ground for a new build, although there is still plenty of room for improvements on the two flat ends. The most impressive aspect is the concourse beneath the home terrace; almost resembling a Budapest ruin bar with it's quirky memorabilia and mishmash of assorted scrapyard chairs and tables. Several local Joseph Holt bottled ales are also sold for under £3 a pop. It's an absolute top-class matchday experience, I'm ashamed to admit that a lot of clubs at our level could learn from them in that regard.
2) Hereford FC - Edgar Street
Another club who's fanbase deserted them in their hour of need, then, as soon as they reformed and started winning every game by a 5> goal margin in the park league levels, all returned en masse, proclaiming to be the most loyal, forward-thinking fanbase out there. Prejudices aside, I was immediately seduced by the charms of Edgar Street, a beautiful, decaying, relic ground from a bygone era. The double-decker Len Weston stand is up there among the sexiest I have ever seen.
1) Matlock Town - Causeway Lane
Derbyshire is a goldmine for scenic non-league groundhopping opportunities and Matlock Town is the absolute postcard for what a proper non-league ground should be like. It's not just the incredible views of the rolling hills with the castle atop; the variation of contemporary and rustic stands mean the ground itself has so much character in its own right. The bar is also excellent and the food was superb too.
FAVOURITE FOOTBALL LEAGUE GROUNDS 2016/17:
I managed to increase my #doingthe92 total by 15 this season, taking my tally to 74 overall. I've also revisited several grounds I've not done in a number of years, such as Charlton, Fulham, Leyton Orient and Birmingham. I'm focusing on purely new entrants here though as there have been some absolute fucking belters.
5) Rochdale - Spotland
A choice that may surprise a few, as it doesn't seem to be an away trip savoured by many, but I think it's an archetypal, quality, compact lower-league ground. It helped greatly that on my visit Huddersfield were the guests, and seeing 3,500 away fans shoehorned into a pitch-wide stand tends to aid things atmospherically, especially when said club are in insatiable form.
Furthermore, the good chap on the PA was dropping banger after absolute banger; Oasis, The Smiths, Blur, Pulp, Courteeners, you name it. He even responded to a few of my song requests on twitter after I tweeted that he deserves an OBE.
4) Port Vale - Vale Park
Although it's a notorious case of 'your ground's too big for you', Vale Park is another one for the ages. I chose the perfect occasion to finally go there, with a sold out Bolton away-end expecting to secure promotion, while Vale desperately required three points to beat the drop. When Bolton took the lead earlier in the second half, a pitch invasion ensued, which then resulted in Vale fans entering it themselves to confront the Trotters. The chaos led the game to be delayed by 15 minutes.
Port Vale leave the impression of a being a real shithouse club that nobody relishes playing, which is probably what endeared me to them. I'm not patriotic but it made me proud to be English to witness police helicopters engulfing the stadium in the aftermath of a 3rd tier football match.
3) Ipswich Town - Portman Road
I'm not sure why Ipswich and Portman Road seem to go so under the radar as an away day or lavished by us weird groundhopping nonce types? I understand its geographical isolation means it can be an absolute ballache to get to but it's an absolute top-class stadium, with plenty of terrific boozers around the city as well.
2) Bradford City - Valley Parade
Could you imagine how immense Valley Parade would be if the two behemoth stands were fully replicated on the other sides? Although to be honest, I like the disproportionate nature of the ground, it adds to its character, and I'm a sucker for double-decker stands. It's a stadium that has just oozes properness and I love that it's situated so close to the city centre. It also helps greatly that they're one of the few fanbases in the lower leagues who make a conceited effort to actually produce a decent home atmosphere.
1) Carlisle United - Brunton Park
As I've probably bored you before, my Dad's a Plymouth Argyle two club wanker, and having derived from his testicles all those years ago, I sympathize with those tendencies. So while an away fan on this encounter, having to witness Argyle succumb to a feeble 1-0 defeat without registering a single shot on target, I still have to thoroughly commend Brunton Park for being an outrageously cool soccer ground.
FAVOURITE FOREIGN GROUNDS VISITED 2016/2017
Thus far I have been to 19 grounds outside of England this season, over a record 13 different countries. Both these figures are set to rise before the end of June, however, as at the time of writing my brother seems to have successfully convinced me to join him in Oslo next week! I have watched two games per-piece in Croatia, Denmark, Germany, Scotland, Spain and Turkey, while the rest have been spread out across Bosnia-Herzegovina, Bulgaria, China, Cyprus, Georgia and Poland,
5) Georgia/Dinamo Tbilisi - Boris Paichadze Dinamo Arena
This is one of those huge monolithic Communist bowls that I am so fond of and the architecture of the stadium is impressive. Surprisingly, the facilities and infrastructure were much greater than I expected, with recent seating renovation aesthetically arranging the seating in Dinamo Tbilisi's white and blue colours. Although the addition of an athletics track is most unwelcome, the acoustics and noise echoed around well. At the end of the day, when you've parted with the equivalent of £1.30 to watch an international qualifier, you can't complain.
For the record, Tbilisi is my favourite European city of the season as well. Absolutely stunning.
4) Bayern Munich - Allianz Arena
Again, I know it's cool to be part of the AMF crowd and denounce all modern stadia as shit, but let's face it, the Allianz Arena is mightily impressive, especially when you see in the flesh the luminous red panels lit up from the outside. What I loved about the Allianz - as I do with pretty much every German ground - is the superb infrastructure inside the stadium. In this case, actual proper Bavarian beer halls were jotted around the concourses. They actually managed to make pre-match drinking inside a stadium something that was cool - a feat that seems totally unimaginable in England.
3) Lyngby Boldklub - Lyngby Stadion
This is a small Danish Superliga club in a northern suburb of Copenhagen. It's a mightily sexy and quirky ground that ticked so many boxes. For starters, admission was free on this occasion, and more importantly, the beer was cheap by Scandinavian standards (three for a tenner). It's a charming ground that consists of three sides of terracing, and has a rather unusual circular grassbank behind one end where you can watch the game from the bar. I loved it, but then again, I got suitably hammered from there.
2) 1860 & Bayern Munich II's - Grunwalder Stadion
The Grunwalder Stadion has a fabled history in Munich; formerly the home to both 1860 and Bayern prior to the latter's move to the Olympic Stadium in 1972, it remained the home of 1860 until 1995, and continues to function as the home to both club's reserve sides. It's viewed by many Sechzig fans as the club's spiritual home, and as far as I'm aware, there are huge movements for the club to return there, but the limitations over capacity is one of the biggest hindering blocks. It's a superb stadium in one of Munich's working-class districts. I'd love to come back here to watch a sold-out amateur derby and see those beautiful open terraces fully filled out.
1) Levski Sofia - Georgi Asparuhov Stadium
To the ordinary person, this would probably just be dismissed as unmitigated shithole and I firmly understand that. I loved it though - definitely my new favourite 'Eastern-European-Bowl-With-Towering-Floodlights-Ripped-Out-Seating-And-Monotonous-Soviet-Towerblocks-In-The-Near-Background' stadium that I have become so fond of over the past few years. The stand we watched from is actually a modern addition and had a state-of-the-art club shop, so I can't pretend it's totally rustic. There are so many cool features to the ground though and Levski ultras certainly make use of the plentiful space around them.
WORST GROUNDS VISITED 2016/2017
Again, let's face it, a number of grounds just fail to invoke that Russell Cox feeling of sensation in your body. In this category I am of course going to be relative to that club's level when making selections, otherwise this list would be swollen by some of the very basic nonce-tier grounds I've visited.
5) West Ham United - The Olympic Stadium
I'm going to go along with the popular consensus and slag off The Olympic Stadium's conversion as a footballing venue. Architecturally it's actually extremely impressive, and it looks visually stunning it's when filled up, so I'm not going to pretend it's totally terrible. The main issue for me is that the condensing of the stadium doesn't make any logical sense - the upper and lower tiers are separated by half a mile, giving off a real disjointed vibe. Add in the uncomfortable fact that pre-match drinking festivities are conducted in a shopping centre, it just has an all-rounded soulless feel to it.
4) Shanghai SIPG - Shanghai Stadium
Olympic Stadium's seem to be a common theme here! For the record, I actually loved the experience of watching football in China - the fans, those who attend, are thoroughly passionate and properly get behind their team. SIPG's ground, however, is awful. They've taken over the tenancy of one of the football venues built for the 2008 games. I'm not against all athletics track stadiums but this one is just thoroughly dull and the views from the lower tier are utterly awful.
3) FK Mladost Podgorica - Stadion FK Mladost
I know Montenegro is hardly a footballing hotbed but I still found it astounding that this club won the national title in 2016 and played in the Champions League qualifiers this season, losing to Ludogorets over two legs. It's consists of just two temporary stands on one side of the pitch, with a cool TV Gantry and press area nestled between the two. There's no entry fee or turnstiles to enter the ground and due to a lack of space on the squashed temporary structure, many people watched the game from outside the ground and underneath the stand. Yes, underneath. This probably deserves to be number one on the list, but it's redeemed by the stunning mountain ranges visible in the background.
2) Maidstone United - The Gallagher Stadium
Maidstone are one of the few fellow Kentish breathen who I've always had a bit of admiration and time for. I was delighted for them when they finally moved home a few years back, after a few decades in the wilderness. However, I can't mitigate that when discussing what their new gaff is like as an away supporter - it's absolutely fucking awful. They've built a new impressive-looking terrace behind the goal since then, but for our visit on New Year's Day we had to congregate around the side of the pitch on a flat surface with no elevation or cover. In the pissing rain. Terrible.
1) Northampton Town - Sixfields
Of all those dull, meccano, end-of-industrial-site modern stadiums that pollute the football league, Northampton rank as one of the worst for me. It's just freezing, ugly, boring and totally non-descript. They even attempted to demolish a stand and rebuild it to make it more interesting. Now standing incomplete, they've made the ground somehow even worse. Their supporters were also fucking weird, harbouring strong notions of having a six-fingered element about themselves.
BEST ATMOSPHERES EXPERIENCED 2016/2017
5) HSK Zrinjski Mostar vs FK Sarajevo
When I first spoke to my guesthouse owner in Mostar I mentioned to him that I was planning on watching Zrinjski later that evening. His response of "those Nazi bastards killed half of my family" just underlined how easy it is to be unknowingly insensitive in Bosnia. It turned out he was a Velez Mostar 'Red Army' ultra, and gleefully showed me videos of some of the derby day fights on youtube that he had been involved in. Absolutely lovely fella, but it just goes to show what an absolute another level Balkan derbies are fought on; exacerbated political, religion and ethnic polarities, and a past history in which fans on either side have actually killed each other.
Zrinjski, a right-wing, Catholic, Bosnian-Croat ethnically supported club, were banned under Yugoslavia after World War II, with Tito outlawing nationalist sporting teams. During the war of independence, they reformed, and subsequently stole the stadium from Velez.
Bizarre stadium it is as well. It consists of one enormous 15,000 capacity stand and then the rest of it is shallow, open terracing. For some reason the Ultras prefer to assemble on this opposite side. Fair play to them as well, they were probably espousing some facist, racially-motivated shite, but they were in fine form all evening, treating us to multiple rounds of pyro.
Once Velez sort themselves out and get back in the top flight I'll return for the derby to reuinite with my pal, and make sure I land a few shiners on them.
4) Brondby vs Midtjylland
My experiences of football in Scandanivia thus far - firstly with Sweden and now Denmark - have highlighted how superb the Nordics' matchday culture is. Brondby are an illustrious club with so many great players to have donned the famous yellow and they have the fanbase to reflect that as well. Non-stop singing all game from the Ultras here, who continued bouncing inside the stadium for a good 15 minutes after the full-time whistle.
3) CD Leganes v Deportivo La Coruna
I've generally always written Spanish football off as having a boring, shite, matchday culture, but boy I was wrong. Leganes was hardly top of my wish-list when I booked up Madrid in February - truth to be told, I'd barely even heard of the club before their unexpected promotion to La Liga last season. But once we arrived in the Leganes district, 8km south of Madrid centre, we began to feel a real buzz around the place. We found a bar close to the metro station which was heaving with traveling La Coruna fans - when we hadn't expected to see m(any) away fans at all. They were a great bunch, we befriended many of them and re-joined them on the piss afterwards, even though their spirits were dampened from being on the end of a 4-0 dicking.
What I liked about Leganes - a beautiful compact stadium that was wonderful on a warm evening - is that when the crowd really got going, everyone joined in. Even the attractive women around us were boisterous.
2) Hajduk Split vs NK Osijek
If you didn't follow football and hadn't heard of Hajduk Split before you travelled to Split or anywhere else on the Dalmatian coast, you certainly would know all about them afterwards. In all of my travels I have never seen a club so massively present inside their city and for hundreds of kilometres surrounding it. Magnificent artwork and graffiti featuring Hajduk and Torcida (their ultra group) is evident in every corner you drive up the Eastern Croatian coast.
And thankfully, Torcida didn't disappoint on a matchday either. After a goalless first half, Hadjuk were sensational after the break, and their 4 goal frenzy within just 19 minutes naturally prompted a lot of excitement. I'll let the photo encapsulate the story :-)
1) Besiktas vs Karabukspor & Fenerbahce vs Bursaspor
I've now watched games at each of the 'big three' in Istanbul and I cannot separate between them. They're all utterly fucking insane, Turkish matchday mentality is on another level and completely idiosyncratic to anywhere else in Europe. Less reliance on pyro and tifo displays, just pure voices, shrieking and whistling. Even an hour before kick-off thousands of fans are already huddled inside the stadium, all performing the ritual of giving each of their players out to train individually a raucous reception. On both games I went to, the entire stadium bounced in unison on kick-off with deafening "SHA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA" screams. I looked down on my arms at Besikitas and I could see I was physically shaking with goosebumps. Incredible.
And the thing is, my visits to Turkey have coincided with the introduction of their horrendously bureaucratic passolig registration system, which vast swathes of supporters are understandably still boycotting from. To put into context, these were both standard early-season games against lower-half opposition, played in front of (relatively) sparse crowd numbers (22,000 at Fenerbahce, 27,000 at Besikitas), which puts it into perspective how mad the Turks are. I cannot imagine what Istanbul is like on a derby day, but I need to find out!
BEST MATCHES SEEN IN 2016/2017
5) Leicester Nirvana 3-2 Harborough Town
"You're actually a paedophile, aren't you?" is the kind of response I get from some mates when I inform them what latest dog&duck fixture I'm immersing in and around the Leicestershire area. But why not? It's something to do on a boring weeknight, and generally when you get to the Step 5 county levels, the football actually becomes rather entertaining. This game was a classic example (probably one that stands out quite easily because of the amount Kurt Cobain related puns I mustered out at the time). The games are often fast-paced, end-to-end encounters, littered with humorous mistakes and some rare moments of unexpected quality. These two traded opportunites all night and Harborough looked to have deservedly secured at least a point with a late equaliser, only for Nirvana decided to regain the spoils with the final kick of the game. And the winner was one of those ambiguous goals where you couldn't work out if it was an intended moment of quality or just a looped cross to get the ball back into the mixer!
4) Blackburn Rovers 2-2 Preston North End
A high-tempoed Lancashire derby, in which Blackburn really should have seen out a crucial three points with their second-half dominance. Aidan McGeady's last-gasp leveller not only cost them their bragging rights, but ultimately their Championship status in the end. Personally speaking though there was absolutely no finer sight than watching 6,000 away fans going absolutely fucking ballistic, so I must have been the only person in the home end happily watch the scenes unfold.
3) Georgia 1-2 Austria
International football, especially qualifiers, tend to be an absolute tedious drag. This is what made this game so intriguing and surprising. Austria somewhat fortuitously led by two goals at the break, having capitalized on the gift of being enabled two unmarked free headers. Nonetheless, they should have put the game to bed after the break, but Mark Janko fired wide after being put clean through.
Georgia were absolutely superb in the second half and it was an injustice that they failed to complete the comeback they deserved. A long-range piledriver on 77 minutes saw the momentum swing even further in their favour, but they were unable to find the all-important equaliser; hitting the post and having a shot cleared off the line as they ramped on the pressure. The noise from the Georgian fans was deafening in this late pursuit, which only added to the tense nature of the game.
I know Georgia have produced some of the world's greats in the likes of Temuri Ketsbaia and Georgi Kinkladze, but even I was surprised by how exciting they were to watch.
2) Chesterfield 3-3 Gillingham
A game where the bloated scoreline was indebted to an extremely generous referee, eager to point to the spot at the first sight of contact in the penalty area! Three of the goals came from the spot, and naturally the dirty Gills scum were the beneficiaries of two of the softer decisions. Fair play to them though, their 97th minute winner couldn't have been any more dramatic - something I only witnessed because the national rail app indicated my final train home was running late! It marked an improbable comeback after a superb Chesterfield solo goal looked to have put the game to bed late on.
1) Leicester City 2-4 Chelsea (AET)
It's probably been largely forgotten by most people in context of the season, but to me this ranks as one of the best games I have ever seen live, featuring several moments of outstanding quality. Indeed, two of the goals from this game are making my top five goals list as well. Shinji Okasaki put the Foxes two ahead with a brace, but Gary Cahill put his bonce where it mattered on the stroke of half-time, which ultimately turned the tide in their favour. Cesar Azpilicueta scored an outrageous volley on the cusp of the area, which took the game into extra-time as both sides squandered several opportunities, particularly Diego Costa who was unusually wasteful on the night - although to be fair, he's been crap on both occasions I've seen him live. Leicester capitulated immediately into extra time and Cesc Fabregas put them to sword with a double.
Full credit to both clubs for fielding (relatively) full-strength sides and properly going at it in a gung-ho fashion. One of those rare occasions where several players live up to their billing in the flesh. Funnily enough, having always dismissed him as dog-shit, I couldn't believe what a class act David Luiz was. So assured and effortlessly classy in possession.
BEST GOALS SEEN IN 2016/2017
Last season I actually struggled with this category. This year is the total reverse - I could easily make a top 20/30 showreel of best strikes from the campaign - if I could be arsed! And then there's the small matter of goals that are simply consigned to vague visual memory because there's no video highlights to verify their quality. For example, I'd kill for a second viewing of the overhead kick that left us scratching our heads questioning "where the fuck did that come from?!" at Shepshed Dynamo!
5) Ben Stevenson (COVENTRY CITY vs Oxford United)
In what truly was another utterly AIDS season for the Sky Blues, myself and Malam witnessed one of their few high points in their league campaign. This spectacular 30 yard piledriver caught us all by surprise.
4) Cesar Azpilicueta (Leicester City vs CHELSEA)
I briefly touched upon this earlier on but the way he catches this is absolutely sublime technique. What a hit.
3) Chema Moreno (CD NAVALCARNERO vs Zamudio)
We were having a good chuckle at ourselves, having missed out on tickets for Atletico v Barcelona on the final season at The Calderon, and instead ended up watching some game in the regionalised Spanish third tier, in this charming small town 35km south of Madrid. Just as we were mocking the Spanish lower divisions for being as agricultural as our very own, we were treated to two outstanding strikes, including this exquisite thunderbolt, that could not be placed as perfectly if he tried again a thousand times over.
2) Florian De Prato (1860 Munich II vs VFR GARCHING)
One of the most outstanding free-kicks I've ever witnessed with my very eyes came from a regionalised German fourth-tier match. Honestly, check this ridiculous strike out. It can be viewed from about 1:35 onwards but I'd recommend watching from the beginning, as 1860's opener was pretty damn special in its own right too.
1) Cesc Fabregas (Leicester City vs CHELSEA)
That's why they're champions. This goal was absolutely flawless and trust me, witnessing it directly in line with it behind the goal it was even more orgasmic in the flesh. The back-heel, the touch, the deft finish to send Zieler the wrong way. Everything about it was perfect.
FAVOURITE MOMENTS OF 2016/2017.
This is a strange category for me as I struggle to give much of a toss about the ongoing fortunes of Dover Athletic these days. I do care - sometimes - and thoroughly get into it on matchdays - and I still love the days out with all my good friends who support the club.
5) Doncaster Scruffs Silenced
The perfect double header fell on our Leeds weekender for Guiseley (A), with Dover comfortably doing bits on the Saturday, Argyle would commence their all-important title clash away at Donny on the Sunday. For some reason I tasked my friend with purchasing the tickets and he thought it would be a good idea to buy them in the home end. This meant I had to keep very tight-lipped as a bay of screaming Yorkshire scruffs thought they'd scream a barrage of tedious 'murderer' abuse aimed at Luke McCormack throughout the entire game. Unfortunately for them, he's become accustomed to people *utilizing the deaths of two children to try and make some moral oneupmanship in a game of football. He was absolutely indestructible, pulling off a series of stunning first-half saves to somehow keep Plymouth level at the break. Soon after, the break Sonny Bradley towered in a header from a set-piece to leave me quietly clenching my fist among the dingles. Argyle thereafter managed to hold out, riding out the pressure and successfully pulled off the sweatiest of smash-and-grabs I've seen this season.
*I know this because embarrassingly enough I was one of them in the period he briefly turned out for Truro following his release from prison. Did I mention that I went there on a Tuesday night?
4) Stamford Cause a Shock
Another one that probably has been largely forgotten about but Stamford pulled off one of the biggest shocks in the FA Cup this season; knocking out Wrexham on penalties in a replay at The Racecourse. I love the FA Cup, and overlooked ticking off another 92 ground to take in this clash, which on paper resembled the biggest David vs Goliath clash of the all-important fourth qualifying round. Stamford is only 50 minutes direct on the train from Leicester and turned out to be an absolute gem of a town, well worth visiting in its own right. A record crowd flocked to smart, modern Zecco Ground and they performed admirably on the occasion. They looked to be nerved by the occasion in the initial stages and Wrexham predictably took the lead. However, as the game grew on, you would not be able to tell the three level gap between the two sides, and they restored parity with a second-half spot kick. It was the least they deserved. They squandered two one-on-one opportunities and couldn't find a deserving winner. I assumed they would run out of steam for the second leg and get absolutely obliterated but amazingly they managed to pull it off. The gulf in size of the two clubs is enormous - they finished 16th in Step Four, so can't even be assumed as being one of the severely sugardaddied outfits.
3) York Conquered
York eventually finished 21st and were relegated from the Conference Premier; while Dover agonizingly missed out on the play-offs in 6th place. Nothing to see here, right? Wrong. No matter how established the Whites become at this level, it will always feel surreal going to big football league outfits like these and pulling off results. We have no right to be sharing the same field as them. Yet pulling off a one niller in a largely forgettable affair, as we did in this game, still feels really special at places like these.
What an absolutely top class weekend with great company this was; a city of grandeur, fully deserving of the vast hype.
2) Delirium At Broadfield
After umpteenth attempts, I finally managed to watch Argyle win a game in the company of my Father. Plymouth were utterly dogshit for most of the game as well, seeming to do their best to blow another promotion bid. But after equalizing with a soft penalty on 70 minutes, they had no excuse not to push on, especially when Crawley were reduced to 10 soon after. It looked like nothing would materialise from the late pressure though, but then up popped the langering ginger giant Ryan Taylor to dramatically steer in a winner with 94 minutes on the clock.
Cue absolute fucking bedlam among the 1600 Pilgrims nestled on the terrace; I must have landed 30 metres from where I was stood before the ball went in.
1) Miller's Late Mentaller at Cambridge
By our humble standards, our FA Cup 1st round tie at Cambridge was an INVASION fixture for us, with 600 Whites eventually making the trip to The Abbey. This was one of the rare occasions where all of our fans put their bickering aside to cohesively create an excellent atmosphere. When Ricky Miller (who else?) stabbed home from close-range with only 5 minutes remaining, some serious injuries were caused in that steep away end.
FAVOURITE MATCHDAY FOOD OF 2016/2017.
5) Bratwurst - Lyngby
Shamefully enough, I didn't devour any bratwurst on either of the German games I attended - though having excessively pigged out on the Christmas Markets, I'm excused for this. This means the honour of Germanic style sausage will have to go to these delights in Copenhagen. Thick, juicy and a great selection of mustards. Mmmmmmm.
4) Scotch Pie - Queen Of The South
If you don't like Scotch Pie you're just not worth my time, IMO. Soft, peppery, fluffy combination of meat and potato in a soft encased pastry. What's not to like? And why does nobody other than Morrisons feel they're worthy of stocking south side of the border?
3) Steak & Kidney Pie & Mushy Peas + Chips & Mushy Peas - North Ferriby United
North Ferriby's stint in the National League might have been swift and a largely forgettable one, but for those of us who went and sampled the fine hospitably and wonderful cuisine there, it will long live in the memory. The only time I've ever been soutterly annihilated a greedy fat cunt peckish enough at a game to go up for second servings.
2) Faggots and Mushy Peas in Bap - Bedworth United
Yes, it sounds revolting. Yes, it looks revolting. But no, it tasted anything but revolting. What an absolute fucking delight this was. As a kid, I used to wince in horror when being informed by the mother that we were having faggots for dinner. It must just be those frozen ones produced by Brains that are disgusting. Proper butchers faggots in the Midlands are nothing short of sensational.
1) 'Big Smoke' Hotdog - FC United of Manchester
Yes, the menu and its pricing may be highly gentrified and hipster. But their offerings are absolutely superb. The popularity of their range just exemplifies to me that club's really should be making more of an effort in their matchday catering services. Even if you've come away from Broadhurst Park having watched your side succumb to defeat at least you can hold your head high in the knowledge you've had jalapenos on your hotdog.
WORST MATCHDAY FOOD OF THE SEASON
Kirby Muxloe - Burnt Sausage and Undercooked Oven Chips
It's fair to say Daniel wasn't overly impressed by what he had served up to him.....
....but to be fair, it was worth it for the subsequent rinsing I received by the chap running their club's twitter feed.
BEST PUBS OF THE 2016-2017 SEASON
5) The Jolly Brewer - Stamford
If it wasn't for football, there would be various towns and places that I'd never have heard about, let alone ever visited. That's why I'm so appreciative of the game. Stamford is an absolutely delightful Georgian town with beautiful churches and stone architecture. The pubs are worthy of high praise as well, with this one - aligned to the brilliant Oakham Ales - being particularly noteworthy.
4) The Sparrow - Bradford
Not content with snagging myself a free chickpea curry and dosa from the Sikhs serving free food for Langar in the town centre, I also devoured a freebie homemade pork pie with mushy peas in this compact craft beer/real ale boozer on the way to Valley Parade.
3) Prince Of Wales - Shrewsbury
Shrewsbury is another town which surprised me by how stunning it was. I'd love to revisit and give it a thorough investigation at some point because the Prince Of Wales - CAMRA Pub of the year - seemed to be in plenty of company in the 'good pub' stakes.
2) The Bull's Head - Port Vale
You often get fed with preconceptions of how bad a place is going to be because everyone who has ever been has denounced it as a shithole, but then it takes you completely by surprise when you visit it yourself. True, Burslem is hardly Prague in terms of aesthetics, but if you're an away fan of a lesser club and have no restrictions visiting the boozers, it has to be a quality away day. Don't judge a book by it's cover. The Bull's Head - affiliated to Titanic - a superb brewery in its own right, had 12 ales available on draught and plenty of continental lager offerings. Add in the 1970s jukebox, and a beer garden throwing on matchday BBQs, you have the makings of a great pre-match boozer. There's a decent micropub over the road n'all if it gets too busy.
1) The Bridge Inn - Rotherham
Why do Yorkshire days out seem to be head and shoulders above any other area of the country, even in the towns that are supposed to be khazis? I thoroughly enjoyed Rotherham and The Bridge Inn nearby the train station is a big reason why. A proper football boozer that permits home and away fans, it's decked out in memorabilia, screens live football and serves some superb pork, cracking and apple sauce baps. A proper pub with decent ale.
BEST CHANTS OF THE SEASON 2016/2017
5) Charlton Athletic home to MK Dons
'Heeeey, Heeeey Roland, ooh, ahh, I wanna knooooow why you're such a cunt'
I fail to apologize for my simple-mindedness that makes me appreciative of simple-yet-effective chants against unpopular owners that utilizes 'cunt' to perfect effect.
4) Sheffield Wednesday away at Ipswich.
"Leeeeeds, Leeeeeds are falling apart, again"
To the tune of Joy Division, obviously. Brilliantly catchy and I found myself mimicking it for days afterwards in my finest Yorkshire accent.
3) Sheppey United away at Whitstable Town.
"I want to be in my sister, oh when the reds go marching in!"
I wasn't sure for this one whether Sheppey supporters were having a self-depreciating laugh at the incest stereotypes of their local populace, or whether they were genuinely discussing their plans for their post-match festivities.
2) Derby County away at Leicester City.
"Collymore's a wanker, he wears a wanker's hat,
He was a Forest bastard, and then a Leicester twat,
He went out with Ulrika, and beat her like an egg,
And when he came to Derby, he broke his fucking leg!
This one has done the rounds on social media this year but hearing it in the flesh with 5,000 travelling Ram supporters belting it out, it was even better. Most of us in the home stands were laughing along to it!
1) Guiseley home to Dover Athletic
"Jimmy Savile, he fingered your mum"
They've obviously has plenty of practice to prepare responses for this onr, but Guiseley simply have the best possible response to "he's one of your own" taunts in reference to Yorkshire's most renowned Conservatives supporter. One of those rare instances where everybody just collapsed in laughter and applauded the genius.
TWAT OF THE SEASON 2016/2017
Me, at Lech Poznan vs Piast Glawice.
On a vodka-induced hangover and really not paying attention to life, I carelessly wore my Dover Athletic 05/06 away shirt to this game. That vintage shirt is a striped effort in Crystal Palace colours. Unbeknownst to me, this would be same kit colours of Lech Poznan's opposition, Piast Glawice.
Then we mistakenly bought tickets in Lech's ultras sector. Within a few minutes of taking our place in the stand, I was quickly approach by one of the meathead capos, who swiftly ordered me to remove my shirt and to watch the game topless. I wasn't going to argue on this one! An absolutely humiliating afternoon all round, especially as a fat fuck, that left us all feeling really tense for the duration of the game, with scary-looking Poles gawping at us.
Absolutely zero complaints from me, it was careless idiocy on both fronts. I would never intentionally buy tickets among a core support home end as I understand the sacredness of it in European football. But fuck me, what a wally! It's actually lucky I escaped the stadium without any physical damage.
FAVOURITE UNIQUE GROUND FEATURES/PHOTOS IN 2016-2017
This is just a category where I can chuck out (what I deem) cool photographs and quirky features that I've been unable to squeeze in elsewhere.
Bosphorus Background of Besiktas
I've not been able to capture it skillfully enough on camera, but the views from the top of Besiktas's brand new Vodafone Arena are incredible, with the stadium barely one hundred metres from the Bosphorus and nearby ferry stations.
Leganes Sunset
Does what it says on the tin.
#UpTheButthole - Shepshed Dynamo
If I was immature enough to be greatly amused by Corinthian's ground name, how about the street name of which Shepshed Dynamo's (once managed by Martin O'Neill) Dovecote Stadium is located on?
Scoreboard - Levski Sofia
Old school scoreboards are always a cool feature, but how about this one, placed onto a big block moulded in their club's badge?
Church & Floodlights Combo - Levski Sofia
An unorthodox combination?
Most Outstanding Terrace In Britain - Queen Of The South
Even though QOTS's Palmerston Park home is one of my favourite grounds of the season, I haven't found any place to shoehorn it in yet... didn't feel quite right to place it among the 'foreign'. Maybe I should have broadened my football league category to British league grounds, who knows?
Bricked Clocktower – CDA Navalcarnero
Navalcarnero's two-sided ground is certainly one of the most interesting ones of the season.
Church - Belper Town
Another Derbyshire gem well worthy of a visit.
Debz Shed - Bedworth United
Best club/tuck shop in football? I think so, although she seemed a bit bemused when I told her I was gonna quite Debenhams, elope and get married in the sun.
Breathtaking Canyon/Adriatic Scenery - NK Omis
If Hajduk Split were to play on the Sunday we were there, as initially scheduled, I could have watched a game here. They play in the Croatia third division (which is regionalised into 3 leagues). 25km along the coast from Split, it turned out to be well worthy of a day-trip even without a dosage of tinpot football. The ground was completely unguarded anyway and offers the most spectacular panoramic views of this gorgeous canyon town.
1) Matlock Town - Causeway Lane
Derbyshire is a goldmine for scenic non-league groundhopping opportunities and Matlock Town is the absolute postcard for what a proper non-league ground should be like. It's not just the incredible views of the rolling hills with the castle atop; the variation of contemporary and rustic stands mean the ground itself has so much character in its own right. The bar is also excellent and the food was superb too.
FAVOURITE FOOTBALL LEAGUE GROUNDS 2016/17:
I managed to increase my #doingthe92 total by 15 this season, taking my tally to 74 overall. I've also revisited several grounds I've not done in a number of years, such as Charlton, Fulham, Leyton Orient and Birmingham. I'm focusing on purely new entrants here though as there have been some absolute fucking belters.
5) Rochdale - Spotland
A choice that may surprise a few, as it doesn't seem to be an away trip savoured by many, but I think it's an archetypal, quality, compact lower-league ground. It helped greatly that on my visit Huddersfield were the guests, and seeing 3,500 away fans shoehorned into a pitch-wide stand tends to aid things atmospherically, especially when said club are in insatiable form.
Furthermore, the good chap on the PA was dropping banger after absolute banger; Oasis, The Smiths, Blur, Pulp, Courteeners, you name it. He even responded to a few of my song requests on twitter after I tweeted that he deserves an OBE.
4) Port Vale - Vale Park
Although it's a notorious case of 'your ground's too big for you', Vale Park is another one for the ages. I chose the perfect occasion to finally go there, with a sold out Bolton away-end expecting to secure promotion, while Vale desperately required three points to beat the drop. When Bolton took the lead earlier in the second half, a pitch invasion ensued, which then resulted in Vale fans entering it themselves to confront the Trotters. The chaos led the game to be delayed by 15 minutes.
Port Vale leave the impression of a being a real shithouse club that nobody relishes playing, which is probably what endeared me to them. I'm not patriotic but it made me proud to be English to witness police helicopters engulfing the stadium in the aftermath of a 3rd tier football match.
3) Ipswich Town - Portman Road
I'm not sure why Ipswich and Portman Road seem to go so under the radar as an away day or lavished by us weird groundhopping nonce types? I understand its geographical isolation means it can be an absolute ballache to get to but it's an absolute top-class stadium, with plenty of terrific boozers around the city as well.
2) Bradford City - Valley Parade
Could you imagine how immense Valley Parade would be if the two behemoth stands were fully replicated on the other sides? Although to be honest, I like the disproportionate nature of the ground, it adds to its character, and I'm a sucker for double-decker stands. It's a stadium that has just oozes properness and I love that it's situated so close to the city centre. It also helps greatly that they're one of the few fanbases in the lower leagues who make a conceited effort to actually produce a decent home atmosphere.
1) Carlisle United - Brunton Park
As I've probably bored you before, my Dad's a Plymouth Argyle two club wanker, and having derived from his testicles all those years ago, I sympathize with those tendencies. So while an away fan on this encounter, having to witness Argyle succumb to a feeble 1-0 defeat without registering a single shot on target, I still have to thoroughly commend Brunton Park for being an outrageously cool soccer ground.
FAVOURITE FOREIGN GROUNDS VISITED 2016/2017
Thus far I have been to 19 grounds outside of England this season, over a record 13 different countries. Both these figures are set to rise before the end of June, however, as at the time of writing my brother seems to have successfully convinced me to join him in Oslo next week! I have watched two games per-piece in Croatia, Denmark, Germany, Scotland, Spain and Turkey, while the rest have been spread out across Bosnia-Herzegovina, Bulgaria, China, Cyprus, Georgia and Poland,
5) Georgia/Dinamo Tbilisi - Boris Paichadze Dinamo Arena
This is one of those huge monolithic Communist bowls that I am so fond of and the architecture of the stadium is impressive. Surprisingly, the facilities and infrastructure were much greater than I expected, with recent seating renovation aesthetically arranging the seating in Dinamo Tbilisi's white and blue colours. Although the addition of an athletics track is most unwelcome, the acoustics and noise echoed around well. At the end of the day, when you've parted with the equivalent of £1.30 to watch an international qualifier, you can't complain.
For the record, Tbilisi is my favourite European city of the season as well. Absolutely stunning.
4) Bayern Munich - Allianz Arena
Again, I know it's cool to be part of the AMF crowd and denounce all modern stadia as shit, but let's face it, the Allianz Arena is mightily impressive, especially when you see in the flesh the luminous red panels lit up from the outside. What I loved about the Allianz - as I do with pretty much every German ground - is the superb infrastructure inside the stadium. In this case, actual proper Bavarian beer halls were jotted around the concourses. They actually managed to make pre-match drinking inside a stadium something that was cool - a feat that seems totally unimaginable in England.
3) Lyngby Boldklub - Lyngby Stadion
This is a small Danish Superliga club in a northern suburb of Copenhagen. It's a mightily sexy and quirky ground that ticked so many boxes. For starters, admission was free on this occasion, and more importantly, the beer was cheap by Scandinavian standards (three for a tenner). It's a charming ground that consists of three sides of terracing, and has a rather unusual circular grassbank behind one end where you can watch the game from the bar. I loved it, but then again, I got suitably hammered from there.
2) 1860 & Bayern Munich II's - Grunwalder Stadion
The Grunwalder Stadion has a fabled history in Munich; formerly the home to both 1860 and Bayern prior to the latter's move to the Olympic Stadium in 1972, it remained the home of 1860 until 1995, and continues to function as the home to both club's reserve sides. It's viewed by many Sechzig fans as the club's spiritual home, and as far as I'm aware, there are huge movements for the club to return there, but the limitations over capacity is one of the biggest hindering blocks. It's a superb stadium in one of Munich's working-class districts. I'd love to come back here to watch a sold-out amateur derby and see those beautiful open terraces fully filled out.
1) Levski Sofia - Georgi Asparuhov Stadium
To the ordinary person, this would probably just be dismissed as unmitigated shithole and I firmly understand that. I loved it though - definitely my new favourite 'Eastern-European-Bowl-With-Towering-Floodlights-Ripped-Out-Seating-And-Monotonous-Soviet-Towerblocks-In-The-Near-Background' stadium that I have become so fond of over the past few years. The stand we watched from is actually a modern addition and had a state-of-the-art club shop, so I can't pretend it's totally rustic. There are so many cool features to the ground though and Levski ultras certainly make use of the plentiful space around them.
WORST GROUNDS VISITED 2016/2017
Again, let's face it, a number of grounds just fail to invoke that Russell Cox feeling of sensation in your body. In this category I am of course going to be relative to that club's level when making selections, otherwise this list would be swollen by some of the very basic nonce-tier grounds I've visited.
5) West Ham United - The Olympic Stadium
I'm going to go along with the popular consensus and slag off The Olympic Stadium's conversion as a footballing venue. Architecturally it's actually extremely impressive, and it looks visually stunning it's when filled up, so I'm not going to pretend it's totally terrible. The main issue for me is that the condensing of the stadium doesn't make any logical sense - the upper and lower tiers are separated by half a mile, giving off a real disjointed vibe. Add in the uncomfortable fact that pre-match drinking festivities are conducted in a shopping centre, it just has an all-rounded soulless feel to it.
4) Shanghai SIPG - Shanghai Stadium
Olympic Stadium's seem to be a common theme here! For the record, I actually loved the experience of watching football in China - the fans, those who attend, are thoroughly passionate and properly get behind their team. SIPG's ground, however, is awful. They've taken over the tenancy of one of the football venues built for the 2008 games. I'm not against all athletics track stadiums but this one is just thoroughly dull and the views from the lower tier are utterly awful.
3) FK Mladost Podgorica - Stadion FK Mladost
I know Montenegro is hardly a footballing hotbed but I still found it astounding that this club won the national title in 2016 and played in the Champions League qualifiers this season, losing to Ludogorets over two legs. It's consists of just two temporary stands on one side of the pitch, with a cool TV Gantry and press area nestled between the two. There's no entry fee or turnstiles to enter the ground and due to a lack of space on the squashed temporary structure, many people watched the game from outside the ground and underneath the stand. Yes, underneath. This probably deserves to be number one on the list, but it's redeemed by the stunning mountain ranges visible in the background.
2) Maidstone United - The Gallagher Stadium
Maidstone are one of the few fellow Kentish breathen who I've always had a bit of admiration and time for. I was delighted for them when they finally moved home a few years back, after a few decades in the wilderness. However, I can't mitigate that when discussing what their new gaff is like as an away supporter - it's absolutely fucking awful. They've built a new impressive-looking terrace behind the goal since then, but for our visit on New Year's Day we had to congregate around the side of the pitch on a flat surface with no elevation or cover. In the pissing rain. Terrible.
1) Northampton Town - Sixfields
Of all those dull, meccano, end-of-industrial-site modern stadiums that pollute the football league, Northampton rank as one of the worst for me. It's just freezing, ugly, boring and totally non-descript. They even attempted to demolish a stand and rebuild it to make it more interesting. Now standing incomplete, they've made the ground somehow even worse. Their supporters were also fucking weird, harbouring strong notions of having a six-fingered element about themselves.
BEST ATMOSPHERES EXPERIENCED 2016/2017
5) HSK Zrinjski Mostar vs FK Sarajevo
When I first spoke to my guesthouse owner in Mostar I mentioned to him that I was planning on watching Zrinjski later that evening. His response of "those Nazi bastards killed half of my family" just underlined how easy it is to be unknowingly insensitive in Bosnia. It turned out he was a Velez Mostar 'Red Army' ultra, and gleefully showed me videos of some of the derby day fights on youtube that he had been involved in. Absolutely lovely fella, but it just goes to show what an absolute another level Balkan derbies are fought on; exacerbated political, religion and ethnic polarities, and a past history in which fans on either side have actually killed each other.
Zrinjski, a right-wing, Catholic, Bosnian-Croat ethnically supported club, were banned under Yugoslavia after World War II, with Tito outlawing nationalist sporting teams. During the war of independence, they reformed, and subsequently stole the stadium from Velez.
Bizarre stadium it is as well. It consists of one enormous 15,000 capacity stand and then the rest of it is shallow, open terracing. For some reason the Ultras prefer to assemble on this opposite side. Fair play to them as well, they were probably espousing some facist, racially-motivated shite, but they were in fine form all evening, treating us to multiple rounds of pyro.
Once Velez sort themselves out and get back in the top flight I'll return for the derby to reuinite with my pal, and make sure I land a few shiners on them.
4) Brondby vs Midtjylland
My experiences of football in Scandanivia thus far - firstly with Sweden and now Denmark - have highlighted how superb the Nordics' matchday culture is. Brondby are an illustrious club with so many great players to have donned the famous yellow and they have the fanbase to reflect that as well. Non-stop singing all game from the Ultras here, who continued bouncing inside the stadium for a good 15 minutes after the full-time whistle.
3) CD Leganes v Deportivo La Coruna
I've generally always written Spanish football off as having a boring, shite, matchday culture, but boy I was wrong. Leganes was hardly top of my wish-list when I booked up Madrid in February - truth to be told, I'd barely even heard of the club before their unexpected promotion to La Liga last season. But once we arrived in the Leganes district, 8km south of Madrid centre, we began to feel a real buzz around the place. We found a bar close to the metro station which was heaving with traveling La Coruna fans - when we hadn't expected to see m(any) away fans at all. They were a great bunch, we befriended many of them and re-joined them on the piss afterwards, even though their spirits were dampened from being on the end of a 4-0 dicking.
What I liked about Leganes - a beautiful compact stadium that was wonderful on a warm evening - is that when the crowd really got going, everyone joined in. Even the attractive women around us were boisterous.
2) Hajduk Split vs NK Osijek
If you didn't follow football and hadn't heard of Hajduk Split before you travelled to Split or anywhere else on the Dalmatian coast, you certainly would know all about them afterwards. In all of my travels I have never seen a club so massively present inside their city and for hundreds of kilometres surrounding it. Magnificent artwork and graffiti featuring Hajduk and Torcida (their ultra group) is evident in every corner you drive up the Eastern Croatian coast.
And thankfully, Torcida didn't disappoint on a matchday either. After a goalless first half, Hadjuk were sensational after the break, and their 4 goal frenzy within just 19 minutes naturally prompted a lot of excitement. I'll let the photo encapsulate the story :-)
1) Besiktas vs Karabukspor & Fenerbahce vs Bursaspor
I've now watched games at each of the 'big three' in Istanbul and I cannot separate between them. They're all utterly fucking insane, Turkish matchday mentality is on another level and completely idiosyncratic to anywhere else in Europe. Less reliance on pyro and tifo displays, just pure voices, shrieking and whistling. Even an hour before kick-off thousands of fans are already huddled inside the stadium, all performing the ritual of giving each of their players out to train individually a raucous reception. On both games I went to, the entire stadium bounced in unison on kick-off with deafening "SHA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA" screams. I looked down on my arms at Besikitas and I could see I was physically shaking with goosebumps. Incredible.
And the thing is, my visits to Turkey have coincided with the introduction of their horrendously bureaucratic passolig registration system, which vast swathes of supporters are understandably still boycotting from. To put into context, these were both standard early-season games against lower-half opposition, played in front of (relatively) sparse crowd numbers (22,000 at Fenerbahce, 27,000 at Besikitas), which puts it into perspective how mad the Turks are. I cannot imagine what Istanbul is like on a derby day, but I need to find out!
BEST MATCHES SEEN IN 2016/2017
5) Leicester Nirvana 3-2 Harborough Town
"You're actually a paedophile, aren't you?" is the kind of response I get from some mates when I inform them what latest dog&duck fixture I'm immersing in and around the Leicestershire area. But why not? It's something to do on a boring weeknight, and generally when you get to the Step 5 county levels, the football actually becomes rather entertaining. This game was a classic example (probably one that stands out quite easily because of the amount Kurt Cobain related puns I mustered out at the time). The games are often fast-paced, end-to-end encounters, littered with humorous mistakes and some rare moments of unexpected quality. These two traded opportunites all night and Harborough looked to have deservedly secured at least a point with a late equaliser, only for Nirvana decided to regain the spoils with the final kick of the game. And the winner was one of those ambiguous goals where you couldn't work out if it was an intended moment of quality or just a looped cross to get the ball back into the mixer!
4) Blackburn Rovers 2-2 Preston North End
A high-tempoed Lancashire derby, in which Blackburn really should have seen out a crucial three points with their second-half dominance. Aidan McGeady's last-gasp leveller not only cost them their bragging rights, but ultimately their Championship status in the end. Personally speaking though there was absolutely no finer sight than watching 6,000 away fans going absolutely fucking ballistic, so I must have been the only person in the home end happily watch the scenes unfold.
3) Georgia 1-2 Austria
International football, especially qualifiers, tend to be an absolute tedious drag. This is what made this game so intriguing and surprising. Austria somewhat fortuitously led by two goals at the break, having capitalized on the gift of being enabled two unmarked free headers. Nonetheless, they should have put the game to bed after the break, but Mark Janko fired wide after being put clean through.
Georgia were absolutely superb in the second half and it was an injustice that they failed to complete the comeback they deserved. A long-range piledriver on 77 minutes saw the momentum swing even further in their favour, but they were unable to find the all-important equaliser; hitting the post and having a shot cleared off the line as they ramped on the pressure. The noise from the Georgian fans was deafening in this late pursuit, which only added to the tense nature of the game.
I know Georgia have produced some of the world's greats in the likes of Temuri Ketsbaia and Georgi Kinkladze, but even I was surprised by how exciting they were to watch.
2) Chesterfield 3-3 Gillingham
A game where the bloated scoreline was indebted to an extremely generous referee, eager to point to the spot at the first sight of contact in the penalty area! Three of the goals came from the spot, and naturally the dirty Gills scum were the beneficiaries of two of the softer decisions. Fair play to them though, their 97th minute winner couldn't have been any more dramatic - something I only witnessed because the national rail app indicated my final train home was running late! It marked an improbable comeback after a superb Chesterfield solo goal looked to have put the game to bed late on.
1) Leicester City 2-4 Chelsea (AET)
It's probably been largely forgotten by most people in context of the season, but to me this ranks as one of the best games I have ever seen live, featuring several moments of outstanding quality. Indeed, two of the goals from this game are making my top five goals list as well. Shinji Okasaki put the Foxes two ahead with a brace, but Gary Cahill put his bonce where it mattered on the stroke of half-time, which ultimately turned the tide in their favour. Cesar Azpilicueta scored an outrageous volley on the cusp of the area, which took the game into extra-time as both sides squandered several opportunities, particularly Diego Costa who was unusually wasteful on the night - although to be fair, he's been crap on both occasions I've seen him live. Leicester capitulated immediately into extra time and Cesc Fabregas put them to sword with a double.
Full credit to both clubs for fielding (relatively) full-strength sides and properly going at it in a gung-ho fashion. One of those rare occasions where several players live up to their billing in the flesh. Funnily enough, having always dismissed him as dog-shit, I couldn't believe what a class act David Luiz was. So assured and effortlessly classy in possession.
BEST GOALS SEEN IN 2016/2017
Last season I actually struggled with this category. This year is the total reverse - I could easily make a top 20/30 showreel of best strikes from the campaign - if I could be arsed! And then there's the small matter of goals that are simply consigned to vague visual memory because there's no video highlights to verify their quality. For example, I'd kill for a second viewing of the overhead kick that left us scratching our heads questioning "where the fuck did that come from?!" at Shepshed Dynamo!
5) Ben Stevenson (COVENTRY CITY vs Oxford United)
In what truly was another utterly AIDS season for the Sky Blues, myself and Malam witnessed one of their few high points in their league campaign. This spectacular 30 yard piledriver caught us all by surprise.
4) Cesar Azpilicueta (Leicester City vs CHELSEA)
I briefly touched upon this earlier on but the way he catches this is absolutely sublime technique. What a hit.
3) Chema Moreno (CD NAVALCARNERO vs Zamudio)
We were having a good chuckle at ourselves, having missed out on tickets for Atletico v Barcelona on the final season at The Calderon, and instead ended up watching some game in the regionalised Spanish third tier, in this charming small town 35km south of Madrid. Just as we were mocking the Spanish lower divisions for being as agricultural as our very own, we were treated to two outstanding strikes, including this exquisite thunderbolt, that could not be placed as perfectly if he tried again a thousand times over.
2) Florian De Prato (1860 Munich II vs VFR GARCHING)
One of the most outstanding free-kicks I've ever witnessed with my very eyes came from a regionalised German fourth-tier match. Honestly, check this ridiculous strike out. It can be viewed from about 1:35 onwards but I'd recommend watching from the beginning, as 1860's opener was pretty damn special in its own right too.
1) Cesc Fabregas (Leicester City vs CHELSEA)
That's why they're champions. This goal was absolutely flawless and trust me, witnessing it directly in line with it behind the goal it was even more orgasmic in the flesh. The back-heel, the touch, the deft finish to send Zieler the wrong way. Everything about it was perfect.
FAVOURITE MOMENTS OF 2016/2017.
This is a strange category for me as I struggle to give much of a toss about the ongoing fortunes of Dover Athletic these days. I do care - sometimes - and thoroughly get into it on matchdays - and I still love the days out with all my good friends who support the club.
5) Doncaster Scruffs Silenced
The perfect double header fell on our Leeds weekender for Guiseley (A), with Dover comfortably doing bits on the Saturday, Argyle would commence their all-important title clash away at Donny on the Sunday. For some reason I tasked my friend with purchasing the tickets and he thought it would be a good idea to buy them in the home end. This meant I had to keep very tight-lipped as a bay of screaming Yorkshire scruffs thought they'd scream a barrage of tedious 'murderer' abuse aimed at Luke McCormack throughout the entire game. Unfortunately for them, he's become accustomed to people *utilizing the deaths of two children to try and make some moral oneupmanship in a game of football. He was absolutely indestructible, pulling off a series of stunning first-half saves to somehow keep Plymouth level at the break. Soon after, the break Sonny Bradley towered in a header from a set-piece to leave me quietly clenching my fist among the dingles. Argyle thereafter managed to hold out, riding out the pressure and successfully pulled off the sweatiest of smash-and-grabs I've seen this season.
*I know this because embarrassingly enough I was one of them in the period he briefly turned out for Truro following his release from prison. Did I mention that I went there on a Tuesday night?
4) Stamford Cause a Shock
Another one that probably has been largely forgotten about but Stamford pulled off one of the biggest shocks in the FA Cup this season; knocking out Wrexham on penalties in a replay at The Racecourse. I love the FA Cup, and overlooked ticking off another 92 ground to take in this clash, which on paper resembled the biggest David vs Goliath clash of the all-important fourth qualifying round. Stamford is only 50 minutes direct on the train from Leicester and turned out to be an absolute gem of a town, well worth visiting in its own right. A record crowd flocked to smart, modern Zecco Ground and they performed admirably on the occasion. They looked to be nerved by the occasion in the initial stages and Wrexham predictably took the lead. However, as the game grew on, you would not be able to tell the three level gap between the two sides, and they restored parity with a second-half spot kick. It was the least they deserved. They squandered two one-on-one opportunities and couldn't find a deserving winner. I assumed they would run out of steam for the second leg and get absolutely obliterated but amazingly they managed to pull it off. The gulf in size of the two clubs is enormous - they finished 16th in Step Four, so can't even be assumed as being one of the severely sugardaddied outfits.
3) York Conquered
York eventually finished 21st and were relegated from the Conference Premier; while Dover agonizingly missed out on the play-offs in 6th place. Nothing to see here, right? Wrong. No matter how established the Whites become at this level, it will always feel surreal going to big football league outfits like these and pulling off results. We have no right to be sharing the same field as them. Yet pulling off a one niller in a largely forgettable affair, as we did in this game, still feels really special at places like these.
What an absolutely top class weekend with great company this was; a city of grandeur, fully deserving of the vast hype.
2) Delirium At Broadfield
After umpteenth attempts, I finally managed to watch Argyle win a game in the company of my Father. Plymouth were utterly dogshit for most of the game as well, seeming to do their best to blow another promotion bid. But after equalizing with a soft penalty on 70 minutes, they had no excuse not to push on, especially when Crawley were reduced to 10 soon after. It looked like nothing would materialise from the late pressure though, but then up popped the langering ginger giant Ryan Taylor to dramatically steer in a winner with 94 minutes on the clock.
Cue absolute fucking bedlam among the 1600 Pilgrims nestled on the terrace; I must have landed 30 metres from where I was stood before the ball went in.
1) Miller's Late Mentaller at Cambridge
By our humble standards, our FA Cup 1st round tie at Cambridge was an INVASION fixture for us, with 600 Whites eventually making the trip to The Abbey. This was one of the rare occasions where all of our fans put their bickering aside to cohesively create an excellent atmosphere. When Ricky Miller (who else?) stabbed home from close-range with only 5 minutes remaining, some serious injuries were caused in that steep away end.
FAVOURITE MATCHDAY FOOD OF 2016/2017.
5) Bratwurst - Lyngby
Shamefully enough, I didn't devour any bratwurst on either of the German games I attended - though having excessively pigged out on the Christmas Markets, I'm excused for this. This means the honour of Germanic style sausage will have to go to these delights in Copenhagen. Thick, juicy and a great selection of mustards. Mmmmmmm.
4) Scotch Pie - Queen Of The South
If you don't like Scotch Pie you're just not worth my time, IMO. Soft, peppery, fluffy combination of meat and potato in a soft encased pastry. What's not to like? And why does nobody other than Morrisons feel they're worthy of stocking south side of the border?
3) Steak & Kidney Pie & Mushy Peas + Chips & Mushy Peas - North Ferriby United
North Ferriby's stint in the National League might have been swift and a largely forgettable one, but for those of us who went and sampled the fine hospitably and wonderful cuisine there, it will long live in the memory. The only time I've ever been so
2) Faggots and Mushy Peas in Bap - Bedworth United
Yes, it sounds revolting. Yes, it looks revolting. But no, it tasted anything but revolting. What an absolute fucking delight this was. As a kid, I used to wince in horror when being informed by the mother that we were having faggots for dinner. It must just be those frozen ones produced by Brains that are disgusting. Proper butchers faggots in the Midlands are nothing short of sensational.
1) 'Big Smoke' Hotdog - FC United of Manchester
Yes, the menu and its pricing may be highly gentrified and hipster. But their offerings are absolutely superb. The popularity of their range just exemplifies to me that club's really should be making more of an effort in their matchday catering services. Even if you've come away from Broadhurst Park having watched your side succumb to defeat at least you can hold your head high in the knowledge you've had jalapenos on your hotdog.
WORST MATCHDAY FOOD OF THE SEASON
Kirby Muxloe - Burnt Sausage and Undercooked Oven Chips
It's fair to say Daniel wasn't overly impressed by what he had served up to him.....
....but to be fair, it was worth it for the subsequent rinsing I received by the chap running their club's twitter feed.
BEST PUBS OF THE 2016-2017 SEASON
5) The Jolly Brewer - Stamford
If it wasn't for football, there would be various towns and places that I'd never have heard about, let alone ever visited. That's why I'm so appreciative of the game. Stamford is an absolutely delightful Georgian town with beautiful churches and stone architecture. The pubs are worthy of high praise as well, with this one - aligned to the brilliant Oakham Ales - being particularly noteworthy.
4) The Sparrow - Bradford
Not content with snagging myself a free chickpea curry and dosa from the Sikhs serving free food for Langar in the town centre, I also devoured a freebie homemade pork pie with mushy peas in this compact craft beer/real ale boozer on the way to Valley Parade.
3) Prince Of Wales - Shrewsbury
Shrewsbury is another town which surprised me by how stunning it was. I'd love to revisit and give it a thorough investigation at some point because the Prince Of Wales - CAMRA Pub of the year - seemed to be in plenty of company in the 'good pub' stakes.
2) The Bull's Head - Port Vale
You often get fed with preconceptions of how bad a place is going to be because everyone who has ever been has denounced it as a shithole, but then it takes you completely by surprise when you visit it yourself. True, Burslem is hardly Prague in terms of aesthetics, but if you're an away fan of a lesser club and have no restrictions visiting the boozers, it has to be a quality away day. Don't judge a book by it's cover. The Bull's Head - affiliated to Titanic - a superb brewery in its own right, had 12 ales available on draught and plenty of continental lager offerings. Add in the 1970s jukebox, and a beer garden throwing on matchday BBQs, you have the makings of a great pre-match boozer. There's a decent micropub over the road n'all if it gets too busy.
1) The Bridge Inn - Rotherham
Why do Yorkshire days out seem to be head and shoulders above any other area of the country, even in the towns that are supposed to be khazis? I thoroughly enjoyed Rotherham and The Bridge Inn nearby the train station is a big reason why. A proper football boozer that permits home and away fans, it's decked out in memorabilia, screens live football and serves some superb pork, cracking and apple sauce baps. A proper pub with decent ale.
BEST CHANTS OF THE SEASON 2016/2017
5) Charlton Athletic home to MK Dons
'Heeeey, Heeeey Roland, ooh, ahh, I wanna knooooow why you're such a cunt'
I fail to apologize for my simple-mindedness that makes me appreciative of simple-yet-effective chants against unpopular owners that utilizes 'cunt' to perfect effect.
4) Sheffield Wednesday away at Ipswich.
"Leeeeeds, Leeeeeds are falling apart, again"
To the tune of Joy Division, obviously. Brilliantly catchy and I found myself mimicking it for days afterwards in my finest Yorkshire accent.
3) Sheppey United away at Whitstable Town.
"I want to be in my sister, oh when the reds go marching in!"
I wasn't sure for this one whether Sheppey supporters were having a self-depreciating laugh at the incest stereotypes of their local populace, or whether they were genuinely discussing their plans for their post-match festivities.
2) Derby County away at Leicester City.
"Collymore's a wanker, he wears a wanker's hat,
He was a Forest bastard, and then a Leicester twat,
He went out with Ulrika, and beat her like an egg,
And when he came to Derby, he broke his fucking leg!
This one has done the rounds on social media this year but hearing it in the flesh with 5,000 travelling Ram supporters belting it out, it was even better. Most of us in the home stands were laughing along to it!
1) Guiseley home to Dover Athletic
"Jimmy Savile, he fingered your mum"
They've obviously has plenty of practice to prepare responses for this onr, but Guiseley simply have the best possible response to "he's one of your own" taunts in reference to Yorkshire's most renowned Conservatives supporter. One of those rare instances where everybody just collapsed in laughter and applauded the genius.
TWAT OF THE SEASON 2016/2017
Me, at Lech Poznan vs Piast Glawice.
On a vodka-induced hangover and really not paying attention to life, I carelessly wore my Dover Athletic 05/06 away shirt to this game. That vintage shirt is a striped effort in Crystal Palace colours. Unbeknownst to me, this would be same kit colours of Lech Poznan's opposition, Piast Glawice.
Then we mistakenly bought tickets in Lech's ultras sector. Within a few minutes of taking our place in the stand, I was quickly approach by one of the meathead capos, who swiftly ordered me to remove my shirt and to watch the game topless. I wasn't going to argue on this one! An absolutely humiliating afternoon all round, especially as a fat fuck, that left us all feeling really tense for the duration of the game, with scary-looking Poles gawping at us.
Absolutely zero complaints from me, it was careless idiocy on both fronts. I would never intentionally buy tickets among a core support home end as I understand the sacredness of it in European football. But fuck me, what a wally! It's actually lucky I escaped the stadium without any physical damage.
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| We escaped to upper tier for a quieter respite in the second half.... |
FAVOURITE UNIQUE GROUND FEATURES/PHOTOS IN 2016-2017
This is just a category where I can chuck out (what I deem) cool photographs and quirky features that I've been unable to squeeze in elsewhere.
Bosphorus Background of Besiktas
I've not been able to capture it skillfully enough on camera, but the views from the top of Besiktas's brand new Vodafone Arena are incredible, with the stadium barely one hundred metres from the Bosphorus and nearby ferry stations.
Leganes Sunset
Does what it says on the tin.
#UpTheButthole - Shepshed Dynamo
If I was immature enough to be greatly amused by Corinthian's ground name, how about the street name of which Shepshed Dynamo's (once managed by Martin O'Neill) Dovecote Stadium is located on?
Scoreboard - Levski Sofia
Old school scoreboards are always a cool feature, but how about this one, placed onto a big block moulded in their club's badge?
Church & Floodlights Combo - Levski Sofia
An unorthodox combination?
Most Outstanding Terrace In Britain - Queen Of The South
Even though QOTS's Palmerston Park home is one of my favourite grounds of the season, I haven't found any place to shoehorn it in yet... didn't feel quite right to place it among the 'foreign'. Maybe I should have broadened my football league category to British league grounds, who knows?
Bricked Clocktower – CDA Navalcarnero
Navalcarnero's two-sided ground is certainly one of the most interesting ones of the season.
Church - Belper Town
Another Derbyshire gem well worthy of a visit.
Debz Shed - Bedworth United
Best club/tuck shop in football? I think so, although she seemed a bit bemused when I told her I was gonna quite Debenhams, elope and get married in the sun.
Breathtaking Canyon/Adriatic Scenery - NK Omis
If Hajduk Split were to play on the Sunday we were there, as initially scheduled, I could have watched a game here. They play in the Croatia third division (which is regionalised into 3 leagues). 25km along the coast from Split, it turned out to be well worthy of a day-trip even without a dosage of tinpot football. The ground was completely unguarded anyway and offers the most spectacular panoramic views of this gorgeous canyon town.
PLANS AND TARGETS FOR 2017/2018
In this category last season I laid out some possible aims, which were.....
- "Some of us plan to do the Old Firm derby next season and that's a plausible aim. I'd rather do it at Celtic Park, despite detesting the club, it's a new ground for me." Nope. No sectarianism for me this year I'm afraid.
- "Morocco over the new year is a distinct possibility. Football over there looks utterly fucking bonkers." This is one of those that remains firmly on the bucket list, but it needs to be organised and prepared properly. I toyed with the idea of going there on my own but decided to join my friends in Madrid instead, which turned out to be a brilliant decision. I've recently been shagging a girl who has a holiday home near Marrakesh, so maybe this one might be a little easier in future?
- "I want to visit Bulgaria at some point as well. Wizzair and Ryanair have opened up very cheap flight routes to Sofia from Birmingham so it will get dealt with." Those dirt cheap flights did indeed thoroughly get dealt with. Sofia is a gritty city, with limited areas of genuine beauty, but boy is it an interesting one.
- "Furthermore, it is an ambition of mine to meet the two most legendary groundhoppers on the interweb; the Welsh maestro 'Lost Boyo', famous for his signature double thumbs pose, and Russell Cox, a Wycombe supporter with a lovely smile." I've attempted to entice Mr Harrison along to various trips, such as Bosnia, but to no fruition. Maybe he despises me; I'm not sure :-( All I know is that when the us two groundhopping giants finally collide one day, the lost boyos of all lost boyos photographs will surely break the internet.
As some of you may be aware, I have accepted a year abroad to study in South Korea from late August; a move that seems almost certain to happen unless there are serious hitches between now and then. Therefore domestically my only one real wish is that Dover somehow get to play Hartlepool away before the end of the August.
I'm already a diehard FC Seoul fan stemming from the warm welcome we received there in July 2015, so I'll be looking to integrate myself among the boysss and join them frequently on away days. My one real solitary target Korea wise is this though; watch a game at Gangwon's Skiing Stadium.
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| Could you imagine the amount of instagram likes I could potentially rack up with a visit here? Would go through the roof. |
Unfortunately the football seasons in South-East Asia end in November so I'm likely to endure a sizable exodus without watching regular soccerball. I guess I might have to discover a social life or speak to women instead?
Thank you for taking your time to read this extremely tedious blog (I'm naively assuming that you've actually got this far) and take care, I truly hope no matter who is reading this that you go on to live a loving, long, and peaceful prosperous life.
Here, I will leave the blog on some geeky statistics over the season end :)
Total Games: 78
Dover Games: 10
Non-England Games: 19 (13 countries)
Total Goals: 247
Goal Average: 3.17
Total Home Wins: 33
Draws: 10
Away Wins: 34
Neutral Games: 1
Biggest Home Wins:
Loughborough Dynamo 7-0 Loughborough (Charity Cup)
Shanghai SIPG 5-0 Henan Jianye
Hajduk Split 5-1 NK Osijek
CD Leganes 4-0 Deportivo La Coruna
St Andrews 4-1 Leicester Road
Biggest Away Wins:
Corinthian 0-8 Dover Athletic (Friendly)
Nuneaton Griff 0-5 Bromsgrove Sporting
Herne Bay 0-5 Greenwich Borough
Guiseley 0-4 Dover Athletic
Rochdale 0-4 Huddersfield Town
For ticket prices I've added in the total costs of when I've been charged extras for postage and bollocks transaction fees. Or in the case of Turkey, their horrendous passolig registration government system. Ticket prices are approximate at the time of conversion.
Total Ticket Expenditure: £764
Highest Ticket Price: Besikitas vs Karabukspor - 228 Lira (£60) - includes Passolig registration.
Average Ticket Price: £9.79
For attendances, I've used official figures whenever possible. These are usually gleaned from soccerway, and some of the figures are quite clearly falsely announced, particularly in Eastern European countries where they're round up to the near hundred or thousand!
Largest Attendances:
75,000 - Bayern Munich v Bayer Leverkusen (Clearly not every ticket holder in attendance)
53,914 - West Ham United vs NK Domzale
31,648 - Leicester City vs Derby County
29,899 - Leicester City vs Chelsea
28,500 - Georgia vs Austria
Lowest Attendances:
38 - Kirby Muxloe vs Harborough Town
38 - Guru Nanak Gurdwara vs Heather St John's (Headcount - free entry)
40 - Friar Lane & Epworth vs County Hall (Approx)
45 - Loughborough Dynamo vs Loughborough FC
56 - St Andrews vs Leicester Raod
Average Attendance:
7,234
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