Meaty 2011/2012 season preview.

Right then motherfuckers. The 2011/12 season kicks off in just 5 days so I will evaluate each club and their chances this season from the Blue Square South. I would claim that my analysis will be insightful, detailed and consise but the truth is that I know fuck all about most of the clubs in this division except my own! So if you're expecting deep, in-depth research then you've come to the wrong place :P Therefore I will kick off this amazing blogpiece with the ever so mighty Dover Athletic:

I think we have a lot more points in us than the 74 we accumulated last season. Pound for pound, player for player, we have upgraded all over the pitch, except in the cases of Birchall and Flitney. Last season we started with the likes of Ben Hunt, Nicky Nicolau, Elliot Charles, Kane Rice in our squad with later additions of players such as Jason Norville, Bobby Aisen, Sam Long and Dominic Shimmin. Our new signings this summer include Matt Johnson, Shane Huke, Michael Corcoron, Ed Harris and Steve Watt (all conference premier regulars last term) whilst Billy Bricknell, George Purcell and Phil Starkey all arrive with proven Conference South pedigrees, the latter who was nearly ever-present in Braintree's title winning campaign last season. I think you'd also agree the contrast in quality there is significant, so we have a far stronger squad overall this time. While we were in uproar at the departures of Fish, Flitney, Wallis and Gillman earlier this summer, their losses seem rather irrelevent now as they have all been replaced with better players, Flitney aside.


The goalkeeping issue remains one of my big concerns for the follow season as I remain totally unconvinced by Ross Kitteridge following pre-season. He just looks like a disaster waiting to happen and he hasn't impressed me on the numerous occasions we have come accross him. Lee Hook has been playing very well all pre-season and is a proven goalkeeper at this level so deserves a chance but unfortunately it appears Kitteridge will get the nod over him.

The other concern is of course Martin Hayes. While he appears to have done excellently by putting a really strong squad together, there are still major doubts over his motivation, tactical and team-selections nous. At the end of last season I and many others were desperate to see him handed his P-45 so he still has a long way to convince us that he is the man for the job. I'm already slightly worried that he has his own clique of favourite players, for example Barry Cogan never being dropped despite how low his performances drop. He MUST learn from last seasons mistakes, he MUST select the best available team selections and there is NO MORE room for excuses whenever we churn out a piss-poor performance. He needs to try and ENGAGE with the fans more, rather than isolating us any further. If he manages to do that then this campaign will be a recipe for success.

Overall though I am very positive for the forthcoming season and think that we should accumulate over 80 points, meaning we'll finish somehwere in the top 2, challenging for the title.

Verdict: 2nd

Key Man: George Purcell - £10k signing from York has massive boots to fill after the departure of 45 goal Adam Birchall

Basingstoke Town:

Righteo. Basingstoke Town, the club where I was excused of exposing myself in their female toilets when I accidently walked in there a few seasons ago. Everyone knows the stewards were joking when they said it but I still get stick for that even today. When I think of Basingstoke I think of mid-table fodder; too much quality to go down but never enough to threaten the play-off spots. I don't see anything to suggest otherwise this season, even though the additions of seasoned prolific non-league journeyman Tim Sills and Sam Yorke from AFC Wimbledon should bolster their frontline somewhat.

Verdict: 13th

Key Man: Tim Sills - Could either prove to be a massive flop or show that he still has a lot of goals in him at this level.

Boreham Wood:

Jesus fucking wept. If you ever read the blue square south forum you'll have noticed that I'm not particularly keen on this tinpot Hertfordshire outfit that are supported by one man and his dog. Not forgetting to mention that the town is a souless shithole and it is a terrible away day. Unfortunately enough, I have them down to nick an unlikely play-off place after how they've strengthened significantly this summer. They've signed 3 of Farnborough's team that lost in the play off final including the industrious midfielder Daryl McMahon. Familar faces include the likes of Elliot Godfrey, Ali Chaaban, Lawrence Yaku and of course Daniel Braithwaite, who was quality against us last season. Darren Currie, who made 33 appearences for League One Dagenham has recently signed as a player/coach. They seem to have a bit of money behind them and there is always one suprise package so I'm going to stick my neck out and pick them :-(

Verdict: 5th

Key Man: Daryl McMahon - Looked a class act when Farnborough beat us 4-1 last season and I expect him to run the midfield for the Wood.

Bromley:

For a Kentish club I often forget about Bromley. I quite like going there, a decent ground with seemingly harmless fans. I can't seem them faring particularly well next season. Its strange to think that they actually won their opening 7 fixtures last season before starting a slow decline that saw them eventually slip away into the mid-table fixtures, a decline which including an embarrassing 7-1 thumping by Weston Super Mare. This summer has seen Mark Goldberg return to their managerial hotseat for the 27th time, which hasn't exactly instilled their fans with confidence. Key player Harrison Dunk has moved onto Cambridge United whilst goalscorer Warren Mcbean has now gone to Lewes. I can see them struggling in the lower-reaches of the division but they should have enough quality to survive.

Verdict - 16th.

Key Man - Embarrasingly enough, I dont think I can actually name a Bromley player! I did say my anaylsis would be insightful!

Chelmsford City:

Chelmsford are severe perenial play-off failures, having bowed out of them the last 3 seasons without winning a single game. This which adds to multiple unsuccessful attempts during their ryman league stay. Despite losing decent strikers in Bricknell ;) and Wayne Gray to Woking, they should be challenging near the top again. Cliff Akurang arrives as replacement from Thurrock but has a decent pedigree at this level. I know, insightful again. Modeste, Cook and Rainford are all very good players at this level and Pennyfather should get them into play-offs again. Failure will probably wait them again!

Verdict - 3rd

Key Man - Dave Rainford - class act at this level and probably the best player in the league. Goalscoring midfielder that controls the game.

Dartford:

Unfortunately I think the scummy Dartford cunts have a very good season ahead of them. They finished the season in some seriously good form and should be looking to carry their momentum into the new season. Sheringham has actually been scoring a lot of goals, despite being a fucking shit lazy goal-hanger. Their 4-0 hammering of us at Princess Park demonstrated their quality, even though we did not make a fight of it. The arrival of Jon Wallis should strengthen their midfield significantly if they can manage to keep him fit and injury-free. Jack Pallen, who randomly played a game for us last season has done excellently since breaking into their first team. I sincerely hope we dish them out two pastings after gifting them 6 points last season and I hope they fail but I can definetly see them being one of the teams to beat, if Tony Burman can sort his act out.

Verdict - 4th

Key Man - Charlie Sheringham - He needs to continue his rich vein of form in which he netted 18 in the second half of last season, if Dartford plan to succeed.

Dorchester Town:

Another club that don't set the pulses racing but I do like travelling into deepest Dorset. They have one of the top 3 grounds in this division, which includes a bar that sells San Miguel on tap with barmaids that have cracking set of tits serving behind the bar. Reading bits and pieces from the BSS forum the general feeling I get from Dorchester fans is negativity and apathy for the following season. Player-manager Ashley Vickers has kept the nuclous of the side that narrowly escaped relegation last season without making too many new signings, so I predict another season  of struggle that could see them fall into the relegations spots.

Verdict - 20th

Key Man - Again, the only Magpies player I can think of off the top of my head is Vickers himself! (INSIGHTFUL)

Eastbourne Borough:

Relegated Eastbourne are one of the four grounds in this league that I have not yet visited, so I very much look forward to going there. Unfortunately it is on New Years Day but it makes sense with them geographically being the closest side to us. Eastbourne have retained the majority of their side that got relegated from the BSP last season so how they will fare this season in their first season back is anyones guess. The arrivals of Carl Rook and Ian Pulman should be of concern. Well the former is dogshite, a carthouse, as all Tonbridge, Dover and Dartford fans would be able to unite on. Pulman arrives from Whitstable having had a number of successful season there, but the step-up two divisions will probably be a too large jump for him. Nevertheless, Borough should finish strongly with long-serving manager Garry Wilson at the helm.

Verdict - 10th

Key Man: I have actually heard of most of Eastbournes squad! I am going to select Darren Baker though purely because he has played a whopping 900+ games for them, rather than anything to do with his ability.

Eastleigh:

Yep, another club that don't set the pulses rating. Eastleigh have one of the worst grounds in the league, which is pretty impressive given some of the stiff competition they have. Apparently they are turning full-time this summer, which seems strange given their crowds and size of their club. With a mainly young squad for the forth coming season, they should have superior fitness over other clubs. I think they would be doing extremely well to match last seasons 8th placed finish though as the league seems a lot more stronger this time round. They will need to rely on the goals of Jamie Slabber who netted an impressive 25 goals last season.

Verdict - 12th

Key Man: Tom Jordan - No, not the Charlton supporting twat from Capel Le Fearn but the brick shithouse defender, who chips in with lots of goals.



Farnborough:
Farnborough will the be hardest team to predict this season, with chairman Simon Hollis having resigned yesterday, meaning a lot of financial trouble could be facing them for the 257th time. They may even go bust by the end of the season. Who knows. The side that reached the play-off final last season have all now left and new manager Gary Haylock has been working hard on rebuilding their side. Through my insighful knowledge I am predicting a lower-half finish for them as Haylock has previously worked wonders at Hayes and Yeading and despite a season of financial trouble ahead, they should be ok on the pitch at least (for now).

Verdict - 14th

Key Man: Matt Pattison - I did not cheat here by looking at their website ;)

Hampton & Richmond:

Again, a club of whom my knowledge of is very limited. What I do know is that the king of anti-football Alan Devonshire has fittingly moved on to Braintree this summer, so I predict that this will be a season of struggle for the brilliantly nicknames Beavers. Devonshire, despite his horrendous brand of 'football' had a knack of grinding out results despite the lack of talented players at their club (in comparison to other clubs at this level). They should have their work cut out trying to survive for another year at this level and I predict and uphill battle for them this season.

Verdict - 21st

Matt Lovett - The pie clad yet quite talented goalkeeper will have to be at his very best this year.

Havant and Waterlooville:

Havant are well-known for two things at this level. 1) Flattering to deceive on a yearly basis and 2) Their horrendous joke of a pitch last season, which upset quite a few Dover fans. Just don't talk to Reginald about them. Havant have not been as widely tipped this pre-season, like they usually have since they infamously lost 5-2 at Anfield in an amazing FA Cup run. Shaun Gale has failed to put together a side to reach the play-offs since despite spending a lot of cup money. But he still remains in the managerial hotseat. They should fare well this year though after a strong showing towards the end of the season. They also possess one the best midfielders at this level in Wes Fogden so don't  be suprised if they make the top 5, even after the deparures of Mustafa Tiryaki and Ian Simpemba to Scunthorpe and Ebbsfleet respectively.

Verdict - 8th

Key Player - Wes Fogden is a genuinely quality player at this level and I'm suprised he hasn't been snapped up a bigger club yet.

Maidenhead United:

One of the smallest clubs in this league that usually find themselves at the wrong end of the table. I supect they will still finish in the lower half of the table but survive more comfortably this time around. Having failed to win a home game in god-knows-how-many months last season they still managed to stay up and should improve having signed some decent players this summer, including former Havant striker Manny Williams. With Alex Wall's move to Notts County having seemingly fallen through, they should have enough firepower to stay up again. And I hope so too - Maidenhead is one of my favourite away days in this league!

Verdict - 17th

Key Player: Kieron St-Aimee - I remember this fella from a football manager game a few years back! Having played for QPR and Barnet he should have some quality about him.

Salisbury City:

Another one of the four football grounds in this league I have not visited. I look forward to welcoming the Wiltshire club into this division at they should be one of the bigger clubs in this league to compete with. They are a very unknown quantity at this level having got promoted via the play-offs in the Southern League last season, following a 2 level demotion last summer. Despite their previous financial troubles they appear to be another full-time side at this level, which again should give them a boost in the fitness level stakes. The general consensus with Salisbury is that they should have a chance of making the play-offs but at this stage it is very difficult to tell.

Verdict - 6th

Key Man: Darrell Clarke - The player manager has made numerous appearances in the football league for the likes of Mansfield, Hartlepool and Rochdale.

Staines Town:

My feelings for Staines Town are about as positive as my feelings are for Boreham Wood. They have a fucking awful, souless, depressing ground that makes you want to catch the next train to Beachy Head. The few inhabitants inside it are trumpet blowing twats. And of course, we havent beaten them since we both got promoted to this level in 2009. Luckily, it appears that they are set to struggle this season. They appear to have lost some key players and there is a lot of unrest on their forum, some loser announced that they were defecting to Windsor FC! From one tinpot club to another. Their few fans appeared to be delighted that they signed a  defender from relegated St Albans, who had the worst defence I have seen at this level. I envisaged that they will be less than mid-table safety this year and will be dragged into a relegation battle, but they should have enough to stay up.

Verdict - 18th

Key Man: Andre Scarlett - I've always rate this mohawked little dude whenever we've come accross them. Shaun Allaway is a decent keeper between the sticks too.

Sutton United:

Another one of the four grounds in this league I have not visited yet, as both Tuesday evening games we have played at Gangrene Lane in recent years have alluded me. Anyway, the Ryman Premier champs should fit in very well at this level, as I took in their XI team taking on our nearby miniscule neighbours Folkestone Rovers (or whatever they're called) back in April. They have big bad Leroy Grittiths up front who is an absolute fucking tank. Tom Davis, although dire in his spell for us has a very good reputation at this level, while Steve Mckimm is a familar face we will se next season. Their momentum from their title winning campaign should carry on into the new season and I think they will get on rather well.

Verdict - 11th

Key Man: Craig Dundas - Big powerful black dude won player of the season and has a big presence upfront.

Thurrock:

Well, well, well the Essex club are here once again after receiving their 28th reprieve since the Blue Square South began. Obviously Bishop Stortford are a bit aggrieved at being shunted into the north division while Thurrock slip back into their comfort zone but its not Thurrock's fault that other clubs are'nt run properly. I like Thurrock, despite them being as tinpot as Staines and Boreham Wood. This may be due to the fact that we have won all four games against them since getting promoted, including a 7-2 hammering at Ship Lane last season. Or it could be down to them having the second best pound-for-pound supporters in this league before Dover ;).
I have little idea what Thurrock's squad is like but I gather that most of their squad have departed, with their better players moving onto Chelmsford. They should struggle again, but with Robbie Garvey at the helm I would'nt be suprised if he builds up a decent side there. Last time Thurrock escaped relegation through a reprieve they challenged for a play-off berth the following season, but will they be able to repeat that this time around?

Verdict - 22nd

Key Player: Again, rather embarrasingly I have no idea. I think Matt Bodkin has left now.


Tonbridge Angels:

Unfortunately these small-time little arsewipes from the other side of Kent are back at the same level as us, Having endured a thrilling 3-2 play-off final win over Lowestoft Town. On the plus side, Tonbridge is usually a very enjoyable drinking day out.
Dover fans will be very familar with some of the Tonbridge players; Danny Walder, Frannie Collin and Lee Browning all ply their trade there after successful spells at Crabble. With Lee Worgan in goal I think they have a good spine of a team there, and unfortunately they should be capable enough to survive at this level despite being tipped by many to struggle. I have no idea if Chris Piper has decided to stay their after a quick google, but he also seems to be a talented player. They should comfortable adapt in the BSS but as long as we stuff them twice and get to call Tommy Warrilow a pikey wanker again, I'll be happy.

Verdict - 16th

Key Man: Frannie Collin - although it was an obvious choice, he was a class act here at times. Has a point to prove at this level.

Truro City:

An away fans dream! Never has a Cornish football club played this high in the English football pyramid, as I'm sure we will all fully welcome them! I cannot wait for our jaunt to Newquay next weekend; its going to be an absolute blast and we could not have got them at a better time. In fact I havent really taken the football itself into much consideration yet! Truro, rather like Salisbury, will be a very unknown quantity at this level, having won a very grueling title race in Zamerretto Premier last season. The general consensus is that they have a lot of money behind them and they sign a lot of Plymouth, Exeter and Torquay cast offs. Indeed, the legendary Barrington Hayles plays for them. Even in his advanced years I'm sure he is more than capable at this level. They should have really strong home form this season, with teams not being used to the extemely long travelling there. I would imagine they finish somewhere in the top 10, but whether they are strong enough to make the top 5 remains to be seen.

Verdict - 9th

Key Man: Lee Hodges - Obviously I recognise him as an ex Plymouth player, but with several hundred football league appearences to his name he should be an asset at this level.

Welling United:

Having narrowly avoided going pop last season after failing to pay the tax man, the Wings did extremely well to finish 6th, only missing out on the play-offs due to a 6 points deduction. Despite not really impressing in their games against Dover last season, it appears they have a strong squad with quality all over the pitch. Cumbers and Pugh, former Whites loanees have formed an excellent partnership while Jack Parkinson has decided to stay at the South London club after spurning the advances of football league clubs. If Jack Obersteller and Loirk Pires don't get snapped up then they should be in for another very successful season, especially with Jamie Day at the helm. They just need to hope that they don't suffer from second season syndrome after performing so well in the midst of their financial problems, which galvanised their team spirit. They should be up there though.

Verdict - 7th

Key Player: Lee Clarke - Ex St Albans striker almost has a 1 in 2 goal scoring ratio for the Kent wannabes.

Weston-Super-Mare:

After somehow receiving a reprieve in 09-10 with an appalling record, collecting a meagre 25 points, Weston suprised everybody by comfortably finishing mid-table last season. Suprising it was indeed, given how dogshit they looked over both games. (Yes I'm aware they beat us 1-0 at Crabble directly from a corner, but thats more an indictment of how poor we were). I can't see them repeating last seasons success and I expect them to get dragged into a relegation battle like they usually are. I have to confess, I have no idea who any of their players are and I couldn't name you their manager (Again, really insightful) but just expect them to end up somewhere near the drop zone!

Verdict - 19th.

Key Man - Again, absolutely no idea.


Woking:

Unfortunately I think the BBB wankers from Surrey will prove to much for us next season. Like us, they have significantly strengthened their squad with the signings of Jay Davies, Jack King and Dale Binns from Farnborough, who come in very highly rated. Adam Newton, who played for Luton in the play-off final also arrives and should provide stability in their defence. Elvis Hammond has signed a new contract despite being too good for this level, who will be kept in company upfront with new arrivals Guissepe Sole and Wayne Gray, the latter impressing for Chelmsford last season. What sets them apart from us though is them having a proven manager at this level, Garry Hill, the four eyed wanker who has a habit of leading teams into administration. They also have an unreal amount of momentum after storming out of nowhere to reach the play-offs last season. Their form in the second-half of the season was better than anyone elses so the belief should be there. I think we will be competing for the top spot with Woking all season with all factors considered, so expecting our rivalry to be renewed ten-fold. Both of our games unfortunately are before Christmas so we have to make sure we get favourable points off of them. I really, really hope that they flatter to deceive because BBB Woking are fucking unbareable. I prefer the fickle, struggling Woking who can't even muster 20 away fans to the willy waving wankers who boast about taking thousands whenever they are doing well. The Blue Square South forum will definetly be a place to avoid if they're doing well!

Verdict - 1st

Key Player: Jack King 6ft 5 Ginger shithouse thug who destroys everyone in the middle of the park. Good technical player too!

So here therefore, is my finally predicted table:
1) Woking
2) Dover Athletic (P - the burden finally ends)
3) Chelmsford
4) Dartford
5) Boreham Wood
6) Salisbury
7) Welling
8) Havant
9) Truro
10) Eastbourne Borough
11) Sutton
12) Eastleigh
13) Basingstoke
14) Farnborough
15) Tonbridge
16) Bromley
17) Maidenhead
18) Staines
19) Weston-Super-Mare
20) Dorchester (Reprieve)
21) Hampton & Richmond
22) Thurrock

Golden Boot = Elvis Hammond (Woking)
Sack Race = Mark Harper (Hampton)
FA Cup Heroes = Sutton United


And there you have it, there are my predictions for the follow season for the blue square south. And despite the little insight provided, writing this blog up has taken a fucking mission! So any feedback/thoughts would be greatful, whether they be on Facebook/Dover Forum/Twitter/Wherever else you read this forum. Am I laughably well of the mark with some of my choices, or am I pretty much spot on with most of my selections? Let me know. Thanks Guys. Knowing the unpredictable nature of the Blue Square South, Dover and Woking will flatter to deceive while Hampton & Richmond storm to the title by 15 points!

Underneath here I am also going to state my predictions for other English leagues, which is mainly for my benefit as I can look back in 9 months on and see how stupidly wrong I was with my choices! But feel free to read them!

Premier League:
Champions - Manyoonited
Runners up - Man Citeh
Champions League - Chelski, Arsenal
Europa League - Liverpool, Tottenham
Relegation - QPR, Norwich, Blackburn

FA Cup - Liverpool
League Cup - Chelsea
Champions League - Real Madrid

Championship:
Champions - Leiceister
Runners up - West Ham
Play offs - Birmingham, Burnley, Cardiff, Southampton
Relegation - Barnsley, Doncaster, Crystal Palace

League One:
Champions - Sheffield United
Runners up - Sheffield Wednesday
Play offs - Preston, Huddersfield, Chesterfield, Charlton
Relegation - Stevenage, Rochdale, Wallsall, Exeter

League Two:
Champions - Crawley Town
Runners up - Bristol Rovers
Third place - Oxford United
Play offs - Swindon, Port Vale, Morecambe, Gillingham
Relegation - Macclesfield, Burton Albion

Blue Square Premier:
Champions - Fleetwood Town
Play offs - York, Luton, Darlington, Cambridge United
Relegation - Southport, Hayes and Yeading, Bath City, Braintree

Blue Square North:
Champions - AFC Halifax
Play Offs - Nuneaton, Guiseley, Altrincham, Boston
Relegation - Vauxhall Motors, Histon, Bishop Stortford