So What I Was Smashed? Big Deal... : Deal Town 1-6 DAFC [PSF]

I've had my fair share of embarrassing drunken moments as a Dover fan down the years. There was the eye-watering experience of Newport (Isle of Wight) away as a 14 year old where I apparently nearly went overboard on our boat, amongst plenty of other things. There were plenty of times under-age boozing in our Ryman League seasons where I would  inevitably make a tit of myself with too many to mention right here. Then there was the small matter of me once managing to lock myself into the disabled toilet in our club bar after a home game, leading to the club chairman having to find an emergency key to let me out.

But Saturday's first pre-season outing to nearby neighbours Deal Town has possibly provided a new contender for the prestigious award of 'The Drunkest I Have Ever Been At A Football Match'. So sadly, as much as I would love to bore you all to death with a lengthy piece about this epic day out the honest truth is that I am unable to. I genuinely can remember fuck all from the day so trying to recite it all would be as pointless as trying to find Lord Lucan.

This fixture was never going to just be a few quiet shandy's for us Jollyboys and Girls. Despite only being about 15 miles down the coast, we've not had the pleasure of meeting Deal in a first team match for about a decade, despite relatively good relations between the two clubs and towns. They ply their trade at County Level (Kent League - Step 5 in the non-league pyramid) but this was not a new ground for me, sadly. I had already visited it back in the days when I used to watch our reserves play whenever we were away. That particularly day we lost 3-2 to Barnet in the FA Trophy - a result that would later be overthrown when they were discovered to have fielded an illegible player.

The main question on the lips of us biggest Dovorian piss-heads was "Will this be as messy as Faversham in the past two seasons?". A perfectly fine question, given it has been our opening friendly the past 2 years and has provided some very memorable off-the-pitch moments. Last years drink-a-thon being capped off with us getting barred from nearly every pub in the town because for some reason the landlady from the Railway Hotel took offence to Leigh Pidds chasing her around her beer garden with a hosepipe. And as Fish kept being eager to point out "two years ago you finger x person outside co-op car-park". I will be in touch with my lawyer soon to figure out how to answer these allegations.

So Deal was a new drinking town for me. I hadn't been there since I was a kid doing whatever leisure activities there are to do in Deal but I had heard it was a pleasant but expensive place to drink. That assertion would turn out to be entirely accurate.

So what I can I recall from our day out at Deal? Well, meeting up for a 10AM opening time drink at The Priory Hotel wasn't the best idea. After months out without football I found myself drinking at an eager pace than I was anticipating. Before our 11:02 I managed to neck two and a half pints of Stella that I had purchased (yes I do purchase halves when there is little time remaining - and what?) but then I also downed over a pints worth of beer left by Doddy and his mate Jezbitt that he brought along to the game, meaning I was already half-way toward drunkdom before even leaving Dover!

Our first pub in Deal was one just outside the station called The Hole In The Roof. I have no idea if they have one but the stinging bastards certainly left a hole in my wallet. Despite not intending on drinking ales I ended up choosing an Adnams Ghost Ship which still cost 3 and a half quid. Most of the lager drinkers were set back around the £4 mark.
It t'was a nice enough pub but didn't have much about it so I was keen to only stop for the one.

Next up was The King's Head, a well known haunt for Dover fan Andy Stevens who was enjoying having a game in his own manor. I'd hear this place was notoriously expensive but I was fairly cool at having at paying £3.50 for pints of Budweiser, which is much more than just 'a shitty American beer'. Its actually pretty decent on draught and far better than the fosters/carling/carlsberg shite.
Looked a decent pub but I spent the majority of it outside on the beer tables, sitting facing the beach and their crumbling pier, whilst chatting inane shite to most of the DAFC family.

Our third and final boozer was actually CAMRA's pub of the year, known as The Green Berry. What with it being a CAMRA haunt I decided to revert back to the ales and as far as I can remember, I was drinking Harveys. This is where my memory of the day has gone really AWOL and I can remember only odd flashbacks from here onwards.
Again, it was a nice pub but pretty pricey as well. But was this really the best that the UK has to offer? Definitely not and it just goes to show what a strange organization CAMRA is and generally filled with cliquey bearded old wankers. It had a decent selection of ales on draught and quite a pleasant beer garden, but really not that special enough to warrant such a title. It nowhere has as much draught and bottled variety as The Ship And Mitre in Liverpool does and I could name plenty of pubs with better décor and atmosphere. Nothing against the pub - it was a good pub - but you do have to wonder how they can come to such a conclusion.

I would love to tell you about the game and the aftermath but my memory here is so hazy that I'm a bit concerned about what might or might not have happened at the game. I've heard vicious rumours that I was a bit over the top in my abuse towards their goalkeeper but I'm sure I'll hear an elaboration of that on Saturday.
All I can remember from the entire game was:

1) A beer tent behind the goal which I kept buying drinks from
2) Vaguely remember Forster starting the game and scoring a goal
3) Calum Willock scoring late on
4) A horrendous flash-back of being pissed-up and singing at the terrace behind the goal. I think I had my shirt off at times which is not only an horrific sight for everybody else, but an horrific sight for me in the mirror every day. Why, o why does this happen when I am drunk? "Shirts off if you love Dover" is a song that needs to be banned.

After the game I truthfully paid no attention the game or result and I only discovered we had won 6-1 when I checked my facebook at home. But I must not have been the only hammered one because Fish thought we had drew 1-1!

So I managed to miss seeing all our new signings, our new kits and who from the academy or triallists were playing for us. Instead I have a few cringe-worthy flashbacks of me being an absolute mess. I'm hoping that when we play Brighton on Saturday that no horror stories will emerge from other people at the game but I'm not holding out much hope. I'm just praying that everybody else was as drunk as me and we can put the game behind us.

According to my Mum I was snoring on the sofa by half 8 after rolling in with a massive Chinese. I remember making plans to go out with Russell and stay at his house but it turns out that I seemingly knew my limits and made my way home, amazingly not falling asleep on the train. After the game I can vaguely remember being in some pub beer garden but that's about it. Apparently I responded aggressively to my sister's question of "Must of been a good game today then" with "How the fuck would I know?". But that was the God's honest truth!

So thoughts on the day overall? Well, I would love to say it was great to be back but I have no idea who I saw at the game and I have no idea what our new-look side looks like. I have no real memories so the day must have been a failure. I'm not one of these people that subscribes to the "If you can't remember it it must have been a bloody good night" view. If you can't remember it then it means you have over-done it, not known your own limits and have made a tit of yourself in the process. And I've not felt like that after a game for at least a few years now, so I will make sure that when we play Lewes in a fortnight I will enjoy the day by drinking at a more moderate pace. After all, drinking 12 pints and 3 cans before kick-off is never a sensible idea.

But on the positive side it means I'm now looking to a far more sober home game v Brighton on Saturday and catching up on what I should have viewed on Saturday. I should also be able to collect my new Dover shirt, so it will be good times all round. I can re-introduce myself to my DAFC friends again because as far as I'm concerned I didn't see anyone at Deal.
And of the other up points was that I didn't smoke a single cigarette, meaning that I've cut the habit for about 2 months now. Well, I don't think I did anyway. I hope I didn't. If I managed to survive not having one on being that intoxicated then I think I have fully passed. Many thought I would succumb as soon as the season began. Good to see people in faith in me!

So sorry for the lack of decent bloggage here but I should make it up to you with the trip to Lewes, a day out I am very much looking forward to. As for plans over my blog I will probably just do a write-up for the away days in terms of pre-season along with another big pre-season preview. As for the proper season I will probably try to write as many as possible, but might not bother with some of the home games if I cannot be arsed.
You may notice a few changes to the blog including a new cover photo, this is mainly due to me being sick of the piss-taking of my half and half Huddersfield scarf along with being confused with Jason Mcbloodyfarlane by some people. I'm also now using google chrome so there should be far less spelling mistakes (Hi Dad) although I still can't be bothered to check over my typos. I was going to do a design overhaul but then I decided if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Is that right? Or does it need spicing up?

Either way, I'll leave you with a few photos I managed to take before my inability to even walk properly kicked in.

Fishy looks horrified.

"Don't fancy yours much"

Since being taken over as 'the man' on the terraces, Champ has shown a lot of animosity towards the Sheriff and constantly tried undermining my position on Saturday.

Don't think Jared would have found it that funny if he'd known what a horrific mug-shot this would be.

Scotty was in fine form and did his utmost to upset the locals.

As you can see by the Elton John style specs in the background, Saturday saw the return of 'Class A' Colin Murphy for the first time in about 9 months.

Camallex looking as radiant as ever.

Doddy looking cheesier than a babybel.

Class A and Russell, the latter wearing a retro Dover shirt to disguise the fact he's only been supporting us since 2010

Michael Stipe and Gordon Ramsay were special guests.

Even not so Beautiful Boy dodged the cricket to join the party.

I do recall the bloke in the Vancouver Whitecaps shirt. I think he was Mark Winter's friend, a Dover exile now living in the Maple leaf land. Think we had a good chat about American soccer.